Dear Andi,
I think the guy I like is gay, but I can’t be sure. He’s not flamboyant, and I don’t want to hurt his feelings by asking him, since that’d be really rude. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Straightening Things Out
Dear Straightening Things Out,
Despite all the facts and signs making you assume this kid is homosexual, you will never be able to conclusively tell if he really is. You can’t base your assumptions on his music, taste, fashion, interests, voice, demeanor or anything else except for his own word. Sexual orientation has nothing to do with that. Many people think they have “gay-dar” by which they can “tell” if a person is homosexual or not. There are cases when people believe someone to be obviously homosexual by their demeanor and whether they act a certain way. This is stereotyping and not a valid indicator. You can never fully never know if someone is homosexual by the way they act and their interests. The only thing that makes someone homosexual is that they determine themselves to have established feelings for the same sex. A guy could idolize Lady GaGa, watch Sex and the City, and act flamboyantly, but be completely heterosexual. When it comes down to it- sexuality and personality are separate. Don’t try to tally up all his gay or straight qualities and think you’ll find an answer.
Despite all the facts, you need to know for your own sake if he is gay or not. To ask him straight up could be dangerous: if he is straight, he could feel embarrassed or offended, or, if he is gay, he could feel pressured and equally offended. A sneaky and harmless way to figure out is to ask him- but in a disguised question. Ask him on a date! You could ask him in a non-chalet question like, “I heard there’s a new restaurant in Towson, wanna go on Saturday night?” Or you could mention something about a crazy ex-boyfriend and ask him about any crazy ex-girlfriends. Then, see what his reaction is. If he is gay, then he will tell you. If he is straight, but says no, then he is uninterested and you can move onto the next catch! Either way, you can only go by whatever information he gives you. Once you ask him and get your answer- drop it. If he’s straight then you gained a potential boyfriend. If he is gay then you gained a friend.
Xoxo Andi