Dear Andi,
I have been best friends with this girl for a long time. She has always been there for me and we are extremely close. I feel like I am truly myself around her and love spending time with her. We do everything together. Lately, I’ve been having feelings stronger than friendship. When we lay down and watch T.V. I feel like I wanna hold her! I don’t know what to do because I’ve NEVER felt like this about another girl, only boys! I can’t stop thinking about her! I wanna let her know how I feel.
Thanks,
More than Friends
Dear More than Friends,
It is not uncommon to hear about girl crushes, especially at the college level. A girl crush is a woman’s feelings of infatuation for another woman. This is not a new concept. Women are innately more affectionate than men. Gal pals will sleep in the same bed, kiss each other’s checks, hug and even hold hands or link arms. This is how many women relate to other members of their sex, regardless of sexual orientation.
Only you can determine if this crush is more of an admiration or if it is sexual in nature. However, either way you need to address it! I know this can be extremely uncomfortable- for both you, but you need to address any issue, as always, before it gets out of hand and erupts like Drama-flow from a volcano.
The reasons why you need to tell her are the following:
For your sake- if you hold in these feelings they can manifest themselves in unhealthy mediums, or even cause you to stress to the extreme. Like a guilty conscious, hiding your true feelings for someone can eat away at you.
For her sake- she might be cool with it or she might feel uncomfortable with it. Either way, you care about her and you need to give her a heads up. Imagine if some person who you innocently hung out with and were affectionate with had a secret crush on you. You would want to know, either because you might feel the same way, or because you will be mindful not to lead them on.
When you tell her, lay it on her gently. Tell her how you feel about her. That she is your best friend, you love her and you appreciate having her so much. Ask her how strongly she feels about your relationship together and your bond. If she displays the same care for you, even if platonic, then tell her straight up the feelings that you have and how they confuse you. Because she cares about you, even if she doesn’t like you in that more intimate way, she will still understand your situation and continue being a good friend. If you give her too much information too fast, she could become uncomfortable and awkwardness can knock on the door.
Let her know you don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable. After you explain these feelings ask her again how she feels. If she feels the same way, maybe you two need to experience your relationship to a more intimate level. If she does not feel the same way, don’t take it personally, and assure her you won’t be awkward about it. But if this is the case, for both of your sakes you should probably refrain from being too affectionate.
In the mean time as you prepare to talk with her, consider the characteristics of your feelings for her. For example, if you could see yourself actually dating her or being sexual with her if it came to that. Compare your feelings to other feelings you have about past boyfriends, crushes and other friends. Once you assess the aspects of your crush you can better assess the approach!
The fact that you are both women really doesn’t make a difference. Look at girls who crush on their guy friends- HELLO TAYLOR SWIFT. Even though you are both female, the situation, in its essence, is the same. It’s hard when you have confusing feelings about a friend between admiration and gratitude or intimacy and romance. The best thing is to take time and figure it out. Then once you feel like you understand it- don’t leave her in the dark about it. Once you know how she feels toward you, act accordingly and appropriately! Good luck!
xoxo Andi