Dear Andi,
There’s a girl in one of my classes I’m super-competitive with. She doesn’t know we’re ‘competing’, but I feel like I have to constantly prove myself in her presence. I feel so stupid! What should I do?
-This Class Ain’t Long Enough for the Both of Us
This Class Ain’t Long Enough for the Both of Us,
Competition is a healthy motivator as long as it is friendly, and not to the point at which it distresses us. Jealousy often has a guise of a “competitive edge,” which is often more acceptable and justified. When someone we know achieves something, it drives us to accomplish; seeing her succeed causes us to coach ourselves to success. We see her in the spotlight and think, “That seems awesome; that is where I want to be” and we thus motivate ourselves to make it happen. However, motivation is different than jealousy. While being motivated by someone else’s success to push ourselves harder often incorporates a bit of envy, being jealous or envious involves irrational comparisons, anger, fear and resent.
Evaluate your feelings so you can work on redirecting them. If you are admittedly maybe a bit jealous because she stole your moment by being called on to answer a question you wanted to answer, then you are experiencing normal emotions. However, if you can trace your feelings back to the mere fact that she is succeeding and it angers you, then you might want to consider exterminating the little green monsters in your life. While wanting things like attention, success, or objects for ourselves (in moderation) is normal; wanting to have everything and wanting to be the only one to have it is unhealthy.
You are probably accustomed to being the only person in your class who answers every question every time, but just because there is now another enthusiastic student does not make you any less intelligent. Being right is not an extinguishable resource; just because someone else is right doesn’t mean you can’t be. Sometimes losing sight of this is human, but knowing it and still needing to be the only one who is right is compulsive and self-consuming.
Healthy competition is like asking a friend who is the same speed or a bit faster than you to jog with you. When we have someone at our speed or greater, we ensure that we either maintain or improve. If we jog with someone slower, we might decrease our pace just a bit and not even know it. We always compare ourselves to bigger, better, faster and stronger. It is engrained in us at birth and it is a survival mechanism so that we are always improving and progressing. However, this can be bad because we can lose sight of our own strengths and the fact that there are people worse off than we.
Philosophizing aside; chances are she probably isn’t trying to outshine you and likewise does not think you are less than she. Like you, she is a focused, motivated and attentive student. Be introspective and think about your feelings and their source. Use this information and this opportunity to benefit yourself. Consider studying with her for a test. You know she will be a valuable partner and contribute as opposed to you basically helping someone else who didn’t pay attention. Recognize the components of you competitiveness so that you are able to use it as motivation and not self destructing resent. As long as you do not let yourself feel inferior, resent her, or allow the need to out-do her consume you, then I don’t see a problem with a bit of friendly competition. Just make sure your drive to succeed is for your own sake and not to impress or cast a shadow on anyone else. The tree that grows in the sunlight is not always aware of the shaded flower below it. Make yourself known, keep pushing yourself, use your voice and shine- but do it for you and no one else.
Xoxo Andi