Advice from a Coastie girlfriend…
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What did they tell you when you went off to college?Ā Test the boundaries, right?Ā Try everything at least once! Get involved! Remember: drinking at your age is ILLEGAL!Ā And finally, the good oldĀ donāt let boys be a distraction!
Oops.
I was never really all that good at following directions, anyway. Andrew and I met a few years ago at a baseball game. I was at an all-girls boarding school and he was at an all boys Catholic prep school and they just happened to take field trips to cheer on the Orioles on the exact same day.
I fell head over heels for him. But it wasnāt until he went back to the Academy that I realized what that entailed.Ā See, there are hundreds of articles out there about why being committed in college is a mistake, (let alone to someone who is 12 hours away and practically owned by the military!) Rest assured, this isnāt one of them. You clicked on this link, Iām hoping, with the intention of strengthening your relationship. You go girl! We both know that with the right mindset and the proper communication, love always wins. So here are five things to keep in mind when you two are apart:
1) Manage your emotions.
The first time I felt the pain of saying goodbye to Andrew, it was the Sunday after Spring Break of this year. The ten minutes that we spent waiting for that train to arrive felt like ten seconds. The ten minutes that his family and I spent waving to him from the platform after he had boarded felt like ten years. I had grown used to his company ā his laugh in the living room watching 30 Rock, the smell of toasted gluten-free bread and bacon in the morning and reaching out to find his hand to hold. Andrewās mom saw the tears in my eyes and hugged me, turning to whisper into my ear, āI know itās hard, but we have to be strong for him.ā And she was right. You canāt cry at the wrong time. Our role as āciviliansā is strictly supportive. I noticed she was wearing sunglasses to conceal her emotions, and I havenāt said goodbye to Andrew without a pair since.
You learn quickly that itās not going to be easy, but itās going to be worth it. Heās like top shelf liquor; harder to reach, but the best there is! (Okay, Iām sorry, hereās a barf bucket.) But seriously, if heās the one that makes you the happiest, the one that you canāt really imagine a life without, then youāll do anything to make it work. When a love like that is on the line, you willingly suffer through months of no sex, and the seemingly endless amounts of dropped Skype calls.Ā
The definition of home suddenly changes from being a place, to a person.
2) Youāre not alone!
Sometimes Iām the only one in my apartment on a Saturday night, and I think of all the social sacrifices Iām making to maintain my relationship. Iām sitting there with Netflix and a bowl of cheerios scrolling through drunken tweets about Pizans and University Village andā¦ wait, he didĀ whatĀ to that ice luge???
I get down, wondering if Iām strong enough to get by with just virtual hugs and countdown apps on my iPhone and the mere promise of a beautiful future. I think, āI deserve to be out there, living it up! Hashtag YOLO.ā But what you donāt see is your cadet saying no when his buddies who signed up for liberty that weekend ask him to go to New York City. You donāt take into account that even though his brain is fried from a full 8 hours of classes and drills, he stays up till 2am to hear you voice. You donāt see his heart breaking, knowing that he canāt be there to walk with you to class or sit with you at Paws or help you find your ID when you lose it for the second time.Ā It takes two to tango! Besides, the girls in the crop tops and 5-inch wedges at midnight are out there just trying to find what you have right now. Itās all a game ā and youāve already won!
It doesnāt hurt to reach out though. Recently I found a Facebook group made by coast guard girlfriends FOR coast guard girlfriends to support each other and stay updated on academy life. Chatting with someone who knows your exact situation and creeping on older girls to see what your relationship COULD turn into is such a cool thing. Itās a great way to stay grounded, and it benefits the well being of both you and your cadet.
3)Ā Fighting doesnāt mean he loves you any less.
In fact, it means the complete opposite.Ā Other girls swoon when they see pictures of him in uniform. Family members say you two are ācuteā & the comment thread under your relationship status is sprinkled with Emoji hearts. But the arguments arenāt nearly as āawwā worthy. Military duos tend to move quicker and become a lot more serious compared to the typical twenty-something relationship. Commitment isnāt taken lightly!
Andrew and I have been friends since high school. We know the 16 year old versions of each other and we (unfairly, but very often) base our opinions of things off that. They say that a fight lasting more than an hour is a serious problem in your relationshipā¦ Iāve had a fight last three days!! Just know that itās normal, and in the end it only makes you stronger.
4)Ā Maintenance: A plant dies if you forget to water it.
You donāt need an excuse to send a letter or a care package. Call me old-fashioned but I think handwritten notes and homemade gifts are just the bomb dot com. Itās a simple, fun way to let the other person know that youāre thinking about them and provide them with a little boost of inspiration. Now I know for some of you there just arenāt enough hours in the day ā especially now that itās crunch time with final exams and Capstones. (Seniors: only a little less than a month before graduation!)Ā And thatās why people like Nichole are so wonderful. Nichole Mentz is based out of New Port Richey, FL and has just started her own Etsy Company called Miles Between:Ā www.etsy.com/shop/MilesBetweenĀ Itās mostly, āMade to order care packages and welcome home signs. I put a lot of time and love into each and every creation and it [means] so much [knowing that] others get to see what I enjoy doing!” she says.
Another one of my favorites isĀ http://www.leafcutterdesigns.com. The California start-up sells adorable dime-sized notes that come with a magnifying glass. You can also purchase a tiny package with a tiny trinket and a 50 character or less note tucked inside. Some of the featured ones are: Ā āYouāre as cute as aā¦ā with a button or āYou light up my lifeā with a light bulb. Consider his heart melted ā and all for $10!
5) Stay positive!
Itās common knowledge that the younger you commit, the earlier you tend to break apart. But listen to the experts: according to Dr. E.C. Hurley from the Soldier Center, those in the military who DO bury the hatchet report having issues adjusting to relationship expectations and ideals.Ā Translation? Lay it all out in the beginning. TALK. People in the armed forces tend to have attachment issues; a constant need to belong. So instead of searching for reasons why this isnāt all meant to be, try focusing on the here and the now.Ā Always answer a phone call! And never run away from a problem.
His happiness is your happiness and vice versa, right? When you feel like itās the end of the world and you just want to break down, remember why you fell in love in the first place. Where are those Swab Summer letters? Grab some ice cream and flip through some of your cutest āCory & Topangaā pictures. Scroll through texts, watch An Officer & A Gentlemanā do whatever you have to do. As we grow up, one of the most important things we learn is how to comfort ourselves.Ā Because 9 times out of 10, your cadet probably just has a lot on his plate. Realize that itāll all be okay. After all, distance meansĀ very littleĀ when someone meansĀ so much.
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