The Unspoken Roles We Play In Our Friendships

So many of the roles we play in our lives are chosen with intention: daughter, sister, employee, student, friend, etc. Except when it comes to friendships, we subconsciously slip into different roles, all necessary for a friend group to flourish.

Although we might actively choose our friends, we don’t choose the roles we play in those friendships, and the thing is, our friendship dynamics often form long before we notice them. They happen quietly, naturally and almost effortlessly. It’s my own philosophy that most friendships are shaped by unspoken archetypes, three to be exact. The storyteller, the caregiver and the catalyst; we slip into these roles without meaning to, but they all reveal something intimate about who we are. 

We fall into these roles based on many different factors, for example, one’s personality traits, upbringing, comfort zones, or simply that there is a natural gap that needs to be filled in the friend group, and you subconsciously fill it. These roles are not fixed but fluid—shifting and changing as we grow. Knowing which role you currently belong to can help you understand how you show up for others and how others show up for you. 

The Storyteller

The first archetype is the storyteller. The storyteller is a friend who is a professional psychoanalyst; they have the rare ability to find meaning in the weirdest, darkest, and chaotic places. They are the narrators and often the ones who remember everything, even the name of your neighbour’s girlfriend’s dog.

The storytellers are introspective, observant, and emotionally perceptive. Storytellers tend to control the narrative because it makes them feel seen and useful, and it allows them to mask their insecurities.

The positive nature of being this type of friend is that they are able to effortlessly create connections through shared and vivid memories. The storyteller isn’t just part of the memories made, but also their keeper. 

The downside of being this friend is that you might feel pressure to always perform, to ensure everyone is entertained. Another downside is that you will have to come to the eventual conclusion that you may feel like not everybody has the same level of emotional intelligence as you.

The Caregiver

The second archetype is the caregiver. This person is the emotional anchor, constantly checking in, giving advice and noticing even the smallest of shifts in someone’s demeanour. They bring stability and softness to their friendships, often giving off eldest daughter energy. Their upbringing has had a large influence on how they give and receive love; they lead with empathy but often have a crippling fear of disappointing others. The benefit of having a caregiver friend is that they can create a safe environment where emotional intimacy flourishes.

Unfortunately, these friends are prone to burnout: they are amazing at being there for others but tend to neglect their own emotional needs. It is important to know that a caregiver friend can still be there for others while simultaneously showing up for themselves and allowing others to do the same. The caregivers keep the group together, not in a loud and visible way, but instead with small and steady gestures that further cement them as an emotional grounding agent. 

The Catalyst

The third and final archetype is the catalyst. They are the friend who pushes everyone forward; they initiate plans, take the most risks, and are always coming up with new ideas for the group.

They are the ones who encourage you to grow outside of your comfort zone, to become more spontaneous, and to embrace change. They are driven by their desire to elevate those around them; they don’t just want to reach the sky, they want to kiss it. The positives of being the catalyst are that you bring opportunity and excitement, and you encourage evolution not only within yourself but in those around you.

Regrettably, the catalyst, if not surrounded by the right friends, could begin to feel like they are dragging dead weight, always carrying the group’s momentum. It’s important to note that being the catalyst isn’t always about big jumps or impulsive ideas; sometimes it’s just being the one who is able to move when everyone else is too afraid to. 

Because these roles are fluid, they can ebb and flow with life’s currents. Roles shift depending on context, on how people change, and on how friendships evolve alongside the roles we play. Healthy friendships allow everyone to step outside their archetypes without guilt because humans are multifaceted. Even still, the role we predominantly belong to allows us to draw insights on how we like to be loved and how we love others. 

At the end of the day, naming these roles allows us to notice the unconscious workings within our friend groups. These roles aren’t boxes we need to stay in, but simply a reflection of how we show up for the people around us, stepping into whatever role the moment may ask of us. They change as we do and the more we comprehend our place within our friendships, the more clearly we are able to witness where our friends meet us, hold us and carry us in return. Every friend group needs a storyteller, a caregiver, and a catalyst, but more importantly, it needs people willing to evolve beyond these roles and be their truest selves. 

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• friends