When you think of clothing, do you think about what’s trendy? Because I donât. I never really cared about beauty standards because, to me, they always seemed shallow.Â
Perhaps I cared as a child. My mom would constantly buy me Barbie dolls, toys, and pink dresses; she enrolled me in dance and gymnastics classes, and I would often be surrounded by friends who were girls.Â
Because of societal norms, I always dressed pretty femininely and was told to always look pretty. Flowy dresses were my thing, and I would wear layers upon layers, and sweat in the weather. But despite the discomfort, theyâd all say that beauty is pain.Â
In addition to my girly fashion sense, I also loved makeup. Whenever I saw an adult wearing makeup, I couldnât help but smile and wish that I could apply some lipstick. But all of that changed when I was 12 years old.Â
Once I got to that age, something in me wanted to change. I realized that I found it difficult to form relationships with girls. They seemed to be more competitive and scolded me for ânot following trends.âÂ
It was then that I decided to try hanging out with boys. I would play basketball, dodgeball, and run with them. And my fashion style slowly changed too! Although I was forced to wear a uniform, I gravitated towards running shoes and cardigans.Â
The girls in my class would wear headbands, dye their hair, or paint their nails. But I realized that I never really wanted to do those things.Â
My mom noticed this change, and she became very worried. She would constantly tell me, âYou gotta hang out with girls more.â
When I transferred schools, I made another friend, who happened to be a girl. My mom would let me borrow her lip gloss, so during recess, I would take it out of my pocket and apply it in front of my friend.Â
She looked at me, âWhatâs that?â she asked. âOh, lip gloss,â I replied.Â
She raised her eyebrows. âWow, I never knew you could be so girly.âÂ
I was offended by her comment, perhaps because I had never perceived lip gloss as girly. Or it was because I didnât like how people would categorize behaviour into âgirl-likeâ or âboy-like.â But it struck a chord in me; after I heard that, I rebelled fully against dresses, flowy blouses, or anything feminine.Â
I started to wear t-shirts, caps, and Converse. Instead of skirts, I opted for shorts. And I would shop at the boys’ section. The more I shopped, the more other girls would laugh at me. But that didnât stop me!Â
This era perhaps marked my true interest in fashion and discovering my personal style. I started dressing as I wanted and even DIYing my own shirts. I would ask my relatives to order some band T-shirts, and when they couldnât, they decided to order a bunch of printed tees from the factory and ship them. Until I graduated from middle school, I would cut the sleeves and make tank tops from them.
I thought I would change my habits in high school. But it seems I’ve dug myself into a deeper hole. My school had a strict uniform policy, which made things worse because I couldnât fully express myself or my style. But during civvies day (where we could wear whatever clothes we wanted to), I would resort to sweatpants and sweatshirtsâ a style my mom would say was âunladylike.âÂ
My chosen style of sweatpants and sweatshirts continued until I started college. I just wanted something comfortable, and I did not want to wear anything that resembled the style those people made fun of me for.Â
Through this style rut, I started to come back to the things I loved. I remembered my love for punk rock and metal once again. So I went through another change. I dyed part of my hair purple, bought some Black Sabbath band tees, and wear them while I rock out with devil horns.Â
I now feel that I own my style. Instead of being mocked or made fun of, I now find people complimenting me by telling me “I love your hair,â or âI love your shirt.âÂ
Heck yeah, thanks, I tell myself!
Somehow, I found my own style despite being mocked for my outfits as a child. And somehow, Iâm being noticed for my own aesthetic without having to blend in and follow trends.