“You’re a bright kid, you’ll do great things!”
If only I knew I would be chasing that sentiment in any way I could, in everything I do, for as long as I can remember.
Growing up, school was all I was ever good at. I’d be branded as the “smart one” by everyone: friends, parents, teachers. That’s how I was seen, and I took pride in the label. In fact, I thrived off of it. It brought me a sense of purpose, being the smart one. It gave me something to constantly live up to.
Then, suddenly, the words went from motivating to intimidating. I started to see my grades as limiting rather than something to be proud of. Unknowingly, I confined myself in a box filled with nothing but high expectations and a non-existent space for failure. It wasn’t about doing well in school anymore, it was about being the best. And, being the best meant going above and beyond every single time.
With every single assignment, essay, presentation and more, I would spend my days relentlessly working, then editing, then working some more, then editing some more, until there was nothing else that could be done. I couldn’t afford to fail anymore. I wouldn’t let myself. There were too many people in my life who thought of me a certain way. Wouldn’t it be selfish of me to take that away from them?
And there wasn’t any time for breaks. As soon as one assignment was done and dusted, it was time to move on to the next. Just going through an endless cycle of working for things that ultimately meant nothing. But, as soon as I saw the notification “Grade Released” on my phone, the quickening thud of my heart and the pitched ringing of my ears became one and the same.
Yet, despite all the exhaustion, anxiousness and overall fatigue that’s settled in my bones, slowly inching closer and closer to burnout, the second I saw the percentage begin with a nine, the air became lighter, it was easier to breathe and I moved on, pretending I was cool about it from the start, as if it never mattered. I couldn’t admit that those numbers reflected my self-worth, that without them, I had nothing.
Sometimes, it can still feel that way. Now that I’m in university, everything’s only heightened. It feels like the stakes have never been higher, the playing field is bigger than ever and still, the only person I feel the need to outshine is myself.
Failure has never been an option, no matter how much I wish it were. It’s either I’m good at one thing, and I stick to it every time, or I’m not good enough at something else and drop it immediately.
Maybe one day, I’ll be able to look at a number and see it for what it is, just a number. My value as a person should not be defined by my grades; my head already knows this, and hopefully, my heart will too soon.