Dear boys,
It began one night in high school, where I laid in my bed with my phone beside my pillow on speaker, tears cascading down my face. I begged you to tell me why you had chosen her instead– you could barely formulate a decent response.
It happened last winter when she asked you what made me better than her– I could list all the reasons you had given me while sitting next to me on my couch the day before, but you just shook your head and told her you still loved her, making sure she never doubted the feeling again. I had lost the upper hand and begun to doubt my worth.
It happened yet again a few months ago– the summer heat stuck my phone to my legs as I had you on Facetime. You couldn’t look at me though, even after you promised there was a lot you loved about me and for no good reason, yet again, you chose someone else. I couldn’t stop shaking when I realized how difficult it was to process. “What about me?” I would say, choking back tears, a sentence that so easily flowed off the tip of my tongue after countless years of asking the same question.
Sentences like “You’re the smartest girl I’ve been with” or “You have a really bright future” felt more meaningless the more I heard them. If that’s true, why are you trying so hard to be with someone else? The thoughts would quite literally eat me inside and still do to this very day.
Let me paint you a picture: I am a full-time student working practically full-time at my retail job. I co-host a podcast and am Managing Editor of the HerCampus Ryerson chapter––between you and I, it’s no secret that I have my hands full. It’s also no secret that I’m extremely dependent on myself, considering at the young age of 21 I know exactly what I want and where I need to be to make that happen. I know where I stand academically and financially and that’s more than a lot of people can say. With that being said, however, that’s usually a boy’s worst nightmare. He can compliment you all he wants, but at the end of the day, there’s an underlying fear there that you’re better than him: and he can’t handle that.
According to an article, the alpha male syndrome does exist––and can be destructive in all of its power. Alphas typically feel the need to stand out from the crowd. In other words, they’re the people who aren’t happy unless they’re the top dogs–the ones calling the shots. Now, unfortunately there’s a difference between natural-born leaders and the alphas that need to be in charge and fuel the need to prove themselves every chance they get. They want you to know that they’re smart, and even if you’re smarter, they’ll never let themselves believe it. This is the kind of boy I’d probably go for, just because I need a challenge in my life and I feel like I wouldn’t get that from anyone else. However, over time, the competition can become more hostile and in turn, create an extremely toxic relationship, because instead of them helping you to become a better person, they care most about being on top. Being anywhere else on the totem pole infuriates them to a high degree.
That’s one of the reasons that I get the messages that I get–– because a boy needs to always be better and with me, he’s worried he won’t be. I’m sure that’s the case with a lot of you girls that are reading this right now. Seriously, you could be the best thing for him but his pride will keep him away from you until he either hits a wall one night, in tears from missing you, or realizes that his ego was really way more inflated than he deserved it to be.
There’s something else we need to address, though. Time and time again I’ve watched them walk away–– and come back six weeks later or even two years later, each with the same old intentions. No matter how long it’s been, they still come back. Whenever they do, notice how they’ll never say “You were right, I will admit I care about you?” It’s usually “Hey, can I ask you something?” followed by a stupid question about how your brother is or how work is going. Sometimes, it’s a drunken message, and it can take weeks or months to get. You might even be seeing sketchy TikToks that remind you of them, or reminiscing on old memories. I don’t blame you for having feelings, but before you let yourself get in your feels, come back, read this article over again and repeat this sentence until you believe it: You are worth way more than that, and you will go on to do incredible things with or without him in your life. The last thing you need is another problem or someone to distract you from your goals. If he isn’t here to better you, we don’t want any part of it.
Anyways, back to the meat of the story. You know this already, but I’m going to say it anyway. He’s looking for you in everyone else. I’ve encountered this instance so many times––he would leave me for someone he knew wasn’t a threat, just because he knew it was someone that wouldn’t do better than him, when it came down to their future goals and ambitions. Someone that couldn’t tell him like it is because she was too nice of a person; someone that he wanted to believe he could like but he knew deep down he could never be with. It’s happened at least three separate times to me and I’m sure you’re no different––so instead of wondering why he’s with her and feeling worse about yourself, this is where you need to remember your worth. He only chose her because she’s not a challenge and she’s not intimidating in the least bit. He’s already done the best he can and now he has to settle, because you’re done with his games. She might be good with his parents but it doesn’t make her right for him and eventually, he’ll realize it. Whether they’re laying in bed together smiling or he’s r-bombing her Snapchat for the third time that day due to pure aggravation and annoyance, either his homies will tell him, or he’ll figure it out for himself. By then though, it’s going to be too late, because you’re going to be on to bigger and better things.
One of the best things you can do in this kind of situation, apart from realizing your worth and loving yourself is to show him what he’s missing. He isn’t allowed to hit you up anymore to ask you what you think about his latest job opportunity, or to talk to when he fights with his parents. Your words of affirmation aren’t something he’s privileged enough to hear anymore and you need to recognize that. Your paragraphs and phone calls clearly had no effect on him and if they did, you’d barely be able to notice. You’ve told him time and time again that you were there to lend a hand if he ever needed it and if he hasn’t taken you up on that, it’s not you who’s to blame. If he truly thinks he can do better, watch him try. Nine times out of 10 he knows he messed up, he’s just on his own high and won’t truly own up to it, until it’s too late. By then though, it’s your choice as to whether or not you want him back in your life. I can sit here and tell you time and time again it’s not worth it but that would be hypocritical, especially if you know me and my track record with toxic boys. Either way, I’ll offer one piece of advice that even I myself should take: Remember that rather than choosing what’s good for the soul, they choose what’s best for their ego, and when it doesn’t work out in his favor, just remember to decline those calls, ladies (if you’re going to answer them, he better have a good apology lined up). At the end of the day, if you’re made out of determination, respect and self-love, nothing can break you, not even a toxic boy.
Sincerely,
The girl who knows she’s worth it