Online dating always sort of feels like a job interview. You know there have been a ton of other candidates and there is a chance you will be completely ignored, even though your resume is * chef’s kiss.* Even without the obstacle course that is COVID, trying to meet someone on an app that isn’t UberEats is pretty hard. You swipe and swipe and swipe. Basically, that claw game at the arcade where you almost get a toy.
Now, take all of those obstacles and multiply them. Dating women online is the hardest thing I have ever done. I am not kidding. The whole time there is just a thin layer of confusion. See, I’m a little awkward. Like in the type of way that Timotheée Chalamet is a little awkward in everything he has ever been in.
It’s sort of ironically cute and occasionally works. I really have no idea what I am doing and I am pretty sure it’s painfully obvious to everyone involved. Sometimes the date goes great: they laugh, I look around to see who made a joke, it’s a win-win. The whole time it feels very complex like some totally awesome jigsaw puzzle.
There really is something terrible about dating in general. It’s like these logical stages that you know you have to eventually get to so you just go through the motions at the very beginning. It constantly feels like you are just trying to level up to eventually fight the boss.
I was 14 when I started dating. Now it seems like an absurdly ripe age to deal with that trauma. The worst part is there are some things you’re completely prepared for. Every movie growing up has the same heterogeneous plot so none of that is really a mystery.
Growing up in a pretty straight vortex all media that was being consumed was just that, straight. That part of my life I fully understood, but the other part was never shown or talked about. See, now the issue is that I have no idea what’s going on.
The Guide
I think people undervalue a solid pickup line. The type of line that makes you laugh but in a sincere way. A tailored pickup line that targets their likes and interests from that pathetic thing they call a bio. I always like to go with a basic compliment that radiates attitude and covers all the panic energy.
The best advice I ever received was to be yourself. This may seem like something-your-mom-tells-you-before-your-first-dance, but it works. We can all sense when someone is being fake so don’t be. Yes, I am awkward and make inappropriate jokes and don’t really understand things in general, but you have to make that work for you, whatever that is. Trying to be cool only goes so far because really everyone that is pretending is boring. There was this episode of Fairly OddParents called “The Same Game.” It was about how it doesn’t matter what’s on the outside; we are all grey blobs on the inside. Dating women is like the grey blob episode. Realistically, I am pretty sure we are all secretly just freaking out. I like to lean into the awkward: just be awkward and see what happens. Guess what…it works.
It seems like everyone just doesn’t know what to say online. My humour sometimes can be hard to understand because it’s all tone. Sarcastic ways of saying really the bare minimum. Relatable and dry yet incredibly comedic. This is probably the hardest aspect to convey online. I have realized that it doesn’t matter what you say, ask questions and you don’t have to. Asking questions is never a bad way to go because then you learn what you can talk about. Start rambling about Marvel and usually someone has something to say. We learned at a very young age to ask for the details like where are you from and what do you do? Those only get you so far and again, sounds like a job interview. Instead, completely come out of the woods and ask who their least favourite supervillain is and what they like on their tacos. The conversation is always better when it is kind of random.
So we all know the worst part of dating, the breakup. Whether it’s you or them or both, it’s awful.Like one big rush of the grossest emotions all balled together into a terrible situation. And nothing really can make it better except pulling an Elena Gilbert and turning all your emotions off (yes, I just watched The Vampire Diaries).