Hey love,
So you’ve met “the one” that feels right and safe to be close with. Or you’ve simply decided you’re finally comfortable enough to go out there and get casual. And of course, Valentine’s Day just seems like the perfect occasion to celebrate it. First of all, congrats!
If it’s with a partner, have you had the talk with them? It’s crucial that they’re also ready and have given explicit consent. But before we move along, have that talk with yourself too. Here’s my favourite ten-second evaluation: if the thought of them seeing you undressed doesn’t make you uneasy, you’re likely good to go.
You’ve probably heard this before, but I want to reiterate that everyone’s experience is going to be different. Contrary to popular belief, not all women will feel pain or see blood (though if you turn out to be one of those that do, there definitely shouldn’t be an abnormal amount that comes with discomfort), especially if what marks “the swipe” for you isn’t penetration. Remember: the hymen isn’t always even there to “break” and virginity is a social construct from the ancient times!
Try not to dwell on orgasming or expecting your partner to, because it certainly isn’t an indicator of pleasure when you’re just starting out and your body may not be cooperating quite yet. Plus, did you know that only 25 percent of women consistently climax during vaginal intercourse? The key here is just to be gentle with each other and communicate your preferences. Like most things, it’s going to get better with practice.
You want this to be a fun memory you can look back on with delight and not with regret, right? So be safe: don’t do it under the influence, and check out Planned Parenthood for information on a variety of birth control methods. Also, don’t stress about attempting to mirror that one scene from The Notebook… In real life, sex is most likely going to be much messier and *au naturel*, but that doesn’t mean it’s imperfect.
Keep in mind that you won’t get out of bed a different person. Yes, all the firsts in our life can be milestones, but sex is essentially a physical activity that isn’t meant to transform anyone. And while many of us grew up conditioned to instantly feel like we just lost something after doing it, I want to remind you that your self-worth isn’t dependent upon your virginity or lack thereof, but rather what makes you special as a human being. And that’s not something another person can easily take away. It absolutely doesn’t mean you might now be tied to your partner for life by some inexplicable bond either – sex doesn’t complete or put an end to a relationship’s growth. So if things end up not working out between you two one day, this is reassurance that you can leave, and the next right person will love you no less.
But no matter how much research you’ve done, how many anecdotal articles you’ve read, and how prepared you think you are, things can still feel very different once the moment arrives. So if you have a change of heart, trust your gut. Like the saying goes: if it’s meant to be, it’ll find a way back. And if they shame you for treasuring your body, you know you just dodged a bullet! My only wish is for you to have fun, whichever decision you end up making.
XOXO,
A girl who once walked in your shoes