Is the seriousness of midterms and final papers weighing you down? Don’t worry, we’ve got some wonderful, vapid music for you. Let your brain go to sleep and just release yourself to the complete joy of listening to music that does nothing to challenge you. Not to mention, it will remind you that if all else fails, you, too, can have a middling career in generic pop music. If these people can do it…so can you.
1. Fat Chicks – Trisha Paytas I can’t even lie…the news that Trisha was forging a musical career may or may not have been the impetus for this entire playlist. Her album dropped just days ago and somehow, inexplicably, launched itself within the top 40 of the iTunes pop charts. More people are buying this album than they did Nelly Furtado’s last album. Let that sink in. That said…Fat Chicks is…good? It’s very catchy and just embarrassing on about seventeen different levels but just so deliciously obnoxious. Just go with it.
2. Superficial-Heidi Montag Heidi Montag’s debut album is basically the spiritual successor to Britney’s Blackout. Superficial is completely ludicrous and the lyrics are ridiculously bad (I wear diamonds for breakfast). But this song is beautiful. (So is the entire album, which was produced by the same people who work on Brit Brit’s best). Nothing will make you feel quite as luxurious as this one. Obsessed.
3. Spectacular-Kiely Williams Do you find Miley too tame, too slow to destroy her entire Disney legacy? Fear not.Former Cheetah Girl and general irrelevant individual has the song for you. Desperate to prove that she didn’t care about her mother’s feelings, she dropped this gem. The video looks like it had a budget of 5 cents, but Kiely makes it work. The lyrics make Heidi seem like a spiritual being, with Williams crooning words that will make you proud of every life choice you’ve ever made. The entire song is gorgeously raunchy, but the chorus in particular needs to receive your attention. “Last I remember I was face downAss up, clothes off, broke off, dozed offEven though I’m not sure of his nameHe could get it again if he wantedCause the sex was spectacularThe sex was spectacular (yeaaah)The sex was spectacularThe sex was spectacular”
Adrienne Bailon who?
4. Good Time-Paris Hilton This is the ultimate soundtrack to those uncomfortable, awkward times you have to spend doing group work with your best friend and the one deeply disturbed individual who somehow stumbled into your life. You can coo the chorus to one another while rolling your eyes when your partner asks why he needs to include Burger King in a marketing assignment about Burger King. “Are you having a good time? ‘Cause I’m having a good time”. Paris’ monotone vocals in this song are filled with barely enough enthusiasm to remind us that she’s conscious, which is a fitting metaphor for how most of us feel about this never-ending semester.Of course, this song also features Lil’ Wayne, because compared to Paris, he almost sounds like he’s gotten more than 15 minutes of sleep in the last decade.
Paris is pictured here trying to drown out the haters.
5. Gutter – Chris Crocker After gaining fame for his, ahem, passionate plea for the public to leave Britney Spears alone, Chris’ true intentions surfaced. He wanted her to be left alone so that when he snatched her throne out from under her the resulting impact would be that much more shocking. “Gutter” is…genuinely good. Completely trashy and not good enough to gain any mainstream respect, but solid mind-numbing pop. Alas, Chris has since forsaken his musical career to pursue the glamor and riches of becoming a c-list gay porn actor.
6. Don’t Put It On Me-Courtney Stodden Perhaps there is nobody quite more fitting for this playlist than the wonder that is Courtney Stodden. The music video for this song will reassure you that if Stodden can make a music video, anybody can. The theme for “Don’t Put it On Me” was evidently “white trash pink eleganzat”, and Courtney serves lewks the entire time while sipping from a Dollarama couture plastic bottle. Bonus points if you, too, can enlist the aid of an embarrassed-looking poodle dyed an unnatural color desperately trying to escape from your visual trainwreck.
7. Louis Vuitton Body Bag-Jeffree Star Allow me to preface this by saying that I stan hard for Jeffree. One of the first concerts I went to was his. That said, this song is terrible. Good. But terrible. Three-plus minutes of autotuned vocals about “sleeping in a louis vuitton body bag-yeah-ee-ag”. So bad. So good. Yes.
8. Tardy for the Party-Kim Zolciak
Can we please have a petition to have this blared across campus at the end of every block of classes? It’s just so upbeat and bouncy and sing-a-long ready. Even Kim herself was able to sing along to the robotic sounds of her “voice” during her promotional circuit! Nothing quite says vapid like a 40+ year old white woman singing about getting to parties in the club over a recycled beat from 2003.”Don’t be tardy for the party.Oooo, ooooo.Don’t be tardy for the party.Oooooo, Ooooo.Don’t be tardy for the party.Oooo, oooo.Don’t be tardy for the party.”
Actual lyrics, actual poetry.