We all know the feeling of that one person we just cannot quit or even fully explain. The one topic we find ourselves going back to in every conversation, swear we are done with, and somehow always end up returning to. We question why we are still there and what exactly about them keeps us around. It is the kind of feeling that is so hard to get rid of but so easy to fall back into. Lately, I have come to realize how similar New York City has been to that kind of relationship.
Maybe it’s due to the unprecedented weather forecasts or the ever-changing subway delays, but this constant chaos has been radiating the same slightly toxic energy. One minute, it feels like a dream, our picture-perfect fantasy day with optimism and hope drifting through the air as we walk down the street. The next moment, it is the harsh reality of climbing over piles of trash-filled snow or puddles deeper than the eye can see, no sugarcoating needed. Yet despite all of this, we still put up with it. I guess the first step in realizing this kind of reality is to accept it for what it is and not expect it to necessarily change.
Even over the past three weeks, the temperature inconsistency has been the leading red flag, to say the least.
One day, we are met with more than 20 inches of snow, then dreary, pouring rain, and, in recent days, an almost 70-degree afternoon, only to leave just as quickly as it arrived. It is truly hard to feel like we can predict the city or Mother Nature’s next move. And still, the same question keeps crossing my mind: when will we finally get something stable that lasts for more than one week?
This detail not only controls, but also affects what we wear and when we can go out. I swear I have pulled out both a wool coat and a jean jacket in less than two weeks, and honestly, I find myself not being comfortable in either. To wear a scarf or not to wear a scarf becomes a daily guessing game. It truly starts to feel like mood swings. Is there even a real solution to managing the city’s influence on us?
If New York City could take the form of any character, it would instantly be Mr. Big from Sex and the City.
In this scenario, that makes us the Carries of the world. We keep trying to understand and justify the city, holding onto the hope that maybe one day (or six years) it will start to be consistent, reliable, and for once get its act together. But just like Big, NYC keeps us guessing, unable to predict its next move. Beyond the desperate need to lose this archetype, it feels all too familiar, leaving us with the same overthinking questions. Do you? Don’t you? What can I do to make you change?
Just like Carrie once said, “I feel like I’m back in your life and nothing has really changed. I know you can’t change a man… and you definitely can’t change a man like you. But… I still want… something to change a little bit… for me.” I find myself repeating these same words today, in the unpredictable qualities of nature, the forces of life we sometimes have no control over, and the effort of wanting to accept change.
And yet, just like every toxic relationship, we stay. Despite the chaos, mood swings, and constant unpredictability, there is still something about the city that keeps pulling us back in. Against all the reasons for and looking past all the reasons against, we remain. The real problem is not just the chaos itself, but also how unaware we are of the way it shapes our thinking and reactions, and how it ultimately affects our own lives.
In the end, we have to be grateful for the moments of stability we do have, while reminding ourselves that we can choose to find that stability just as much as the city can choose to disrupt it.
Whether we want to admit it or not, NYC might resemble a toxic relationship, but it is still the one we will always be obsessed with, no matter what. In the end, finding the right balance between our happiness and reality is possibly the only thing we can do.