“There’s an important life study that shows that everyone has about 150 people in their life that they talk to. The next cut is the 50 people you would invite home for dinner. And then about the 15 people who you turn to during your good and bad times. And then finally, the five people who mean the world to you.” ~ Shah Rukh Khan, Dear Zindagi.
Growing up, as my dad would drive me to school every day, he would shower me with his endless life stories and morals. Where our 30-minute drive to my middle school meant extra time for music on the radio to me, my dad viewed it as a time to catch up with things happening in my life. Just like any other kid, I was blinded by blissful ignorance as his advice and morals entered one ear and left in the other. However, as I venture through college, I find myself being incredibly grateful for all the wisdom he instilled in me as his past lessons continuously manage to pop up in my daily life.
One particular lesson that I have been dissecting recently has been that of deciding who my inner and outer circles are. In other words, I have been doing what someone would call a “cost-benefit” analysis on who I choose to surround myself with. I’ll get into what exactly a “cost-benefit” analysis entails later.
As someone who has listened to her heart a lot in the past, my ability to logically understand the positive and negative impacts of certain people fell somewhat short. Because of this, it was difficult to slowly distance myself from people who truly weren’t serving any positive impact in my life. On top of that, it can sometimes be hard to re-evaluate friendships you are already in. So, over the months, I took time to reflect on who I was and what energies I wanted to surround myself with.
Upon doing so, here is a list of my mini-life revelations pertaining to the subject matter:
- first, understand who you are
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To really understand who you’re surrounding yourself with, you also have to understand who you are along with where you are in your life. Everyone has different priorities so gauging where you stand allows you to understand what your boundaries are without anyone else influencing that decision. I find this to be an incredibly important step that many people overlook because this sort of self-reflection opens you up to creating a social circle that shares similar priorities. It also enables you to understand how you want to be treated in any sort of relationship.
- put yourself out there
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A couple of weeks ago, I was invited to a brunch where I only knew two people. I would not be exaggerating when I tell you that I was *incredibly* nervous. Seriously. I had to pace the hallway a couple of times before I entered the apartment. However, the second I entered the room, even though I didn’t know anyone around me, the energy felt so organic and happy. Yes, these people I just met had known each other for years, but their energy and positivity reminded me of who I wanted to surround myself with. So, even though I find it incredibly nerve-wracking to put myself out there and explore outside my comfort zone, it’s also very rewarding. Personally, I have come to understand that the type of experience and life lessons you learn from new people allows you to venture outside the social world you have enveloped yourself in. Who knows? Maybe meeting these new people will introduce you to what you’re actually looking for in your relationships.
- the “cost-benefit” analysis
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A really close friend of mine, who I consider as my sister, once came to me asking for advice about her friends in high school. She talked to me about how the people she was friends with weren’t exactly the most healthy people in her life. At that moment, being the absolutely wonderful older sister that I am, I told her to view her relationships through the lens of a “cost-benefit” analysis. Essentially, the analysis asks you to evaluate the positive vs. negative input someone has in your life. If their negative input outweighs their positive input, then it’s highly recommended that you start re-considering their place in your life.
Even though I initially came up with this advice for her, I began to internalize this mindset as I re-defined what my boundaries were in my relationships. The analysis allows me to recognize what I am looking for in my community while letting go of people who aren’t adding positive value to my life.
- “Tell me who your friends are and I will tell you who you are.”
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Circling back to the life lessons that my dad has instilled within me, he has always reminded me of the Spanish proverb: “Tell me who your friends are and I will tell you who you are.” At first, I didn’t quite understand what my dad was trying to tell me, but with more thought, it all made sense. Your friends and relationships are essentially an extension of yourself. They reflect your core values, shared hobbies, interests, and more. Of course, every person you consciously choose to keep in your life doesn’t always share the same personality, but they do give a good insight into what you value as a person.
The process of gauging your relationships isn’t always an easy one, and it’s not something that can happen overnight. It’s an ever-changing process because as human beings, we too are always growing.
In a way, I like to think of life as a train. You board at a certain place and have a ticket that drops you off at another location. During this time, you are bound to meet a variety of different people who will be very important to you. As your journey on this train progresses, the people you meet will get off at different stations. Everyone has their own life goals and priorities in mind, and it’s important to recognize when some things, or relationships, need to be let go of.
I know, it sounds quite bittersweet, but that’s what life is. It’s all about the people you meet along the way, the relationships you choose to hold on to no matter what, and the box of memories that never fail to make you feel at home.