You messed up. You hurt someone. You did it, whether consciously or not, you inflicted emotional pain onto someone you care for, and it kills you. It consumes your thoughts. Or does it? You think to yourself, I have to apologize. I owe them an apology — you stop yourself — but will this make them or myself feel better?
I hurt a former friend of mine. We were close friends. We were almost something more. Almost. I didn’t know how to pursue it, and when I ended the possibility of a romance, I ended our relationship entirely. His scent crosses my mind and I think “wasn’t it just yesterday we were in his dorm, talking about our days and desires, with a sitcom in the background”? He brought me comfort when I didn’t have the words to convey what I felt. It wasn’t his responsibility to fix me. I never asked him to either. I remember crying once while we were out on a walk. He turned to me, asking, “What’s wrong?” I didn’t know what to say or how to be there for him. I’m not perfect. He’s not perfect. And we didn’t work out…
I want to apologize. It’s been months and the thought crosses my mind; I have my *here’s how I ruined us* ramble, which might cause more harm than good. I want him to be happy. He made me happy. He deserves to be happy and my overdue apology will not fix it. There’s no us, and that’s okay.
