A different piece than anything I’ve written before but one I hope to continue to explore! Enjoy my short story type piece.
All little Raine wanted was to be somebody’s first choice. She wanted this so badly that it consumed her existence. From primary school to secondary, from the moment the sun wakes the sky to the moment the moon kisses it goodnight. It’s the repeated commercial or repeated alarm that won’t cease – it was the sticky note tacked on her brain reminding her that she would never be anyone’s first pick.
Yet, she always wore a smile. Mixed with the random consistency only present in everyone’s mind that she would change again soon but how soon is now this time?
Nevertheless, Raine wished for shine but settled for the sparse beams of light flooding into her window. Choosing to see the glass with a final sip left instead of empty or unfulfilling. This thought bloomed from a seed into a ginormous tree. Raine consistently worked to make others feel like they were worthy of warmth and affirmations. Always in the name of love or sincerity and never with a second thought spared to how such an offer would affect her own life. It feels cliche to say she’s the person who would give you the shirt off her back then run, top-less, back to your house in search of a shirt belonging to you. However, following the universal ‘sayings’ law, “if the shoe fits, wear it” In this case she might need new shoes as we are sure that she would give those away without a second thought as well.
This pattern of giving wasn’t a gaudy attempt to be perceived as self-fulfilling in any way. As she expressed this care and fondness behind closed doors or within intimate emotional chat sessions. Constantly jotting down a date of meaning, mostly for others and rarely for herself, in her planner.
The willingness that others felt when holding her attention caused them to unconsciously reply to any question she asked of them. Incessantly finding herself handing over her own secrets and private personal tales in an attempt to garner a safe environment for sharing upon all fronts. Raine had practically perfected the art of knowing when somebody needed to yell-rant to the wind or cry on the shoulder of a person who holds no form of judgment towards you as tears drop from your eyes in a race to slide off your face.
In fact, despite her repeated effort to learn more about the people around her, she held pride regarding the gift of seeing others after not being seen for so long.
Yet, kindness is always an expense for one party.
With an unmatched eagerness to do for others what was never done for her, but, poor Raine struggled to bear the weight of not just her world but those around her. What was waiting for Raine wasn’t a rainbow but an unavoidable pathway of loss and misfortune for her – a future that would most surely end with the destruction of herself.
That Raine, ever polarizing and a type of love that left onlookers with a bitter taste on their tongues, wished to be better. To be better not for others – although that aspect was a ‘pro’ she simply could not overlook – but for herself.
Fully absorbed and enraptured with the lives of those around her, and the position in which she held within it caused a haze to fall over the placement she maintained within her own life. With a type of self awareness that irritates those cursed with it, Raine viewed the gray clouds with an atypical perspective. Instead of further tormenting herself for the missteps she took when it came to boundaries and a healthy dose/expectation for giving and taking – she saw the infinite sky and the uncountable amount of stars shining despite the darkness. Raine made the effort to grow in her appreciation for a universe she could never possibly get acoss, opting for optimism as she scheduled an event where she could rant whilst throwing a childlike tantrum with an aura containing zero judgments from the couch fastened doctor.
Raine yearned to no longer urge herself to force down her thoughts and emotions like a poorly cooked well intentioned meal, that is to say with years of experience taking on the grin and bear it role. To combat a cyclical pattern of abuse and the ceaseless routine of sacrificing her well being for others, she worked to better herself. To listen to her own needs and wishes while still being a constant source of light in the lives of others.
With time learning that if being ‘number one’ within somebody’s world was true to life she should do her best to split from such a value system.
Sure, she still sheds tears with the sorrowful notion bouncing around in her mind but still strived to yank herself out of the clouds and back onto the ground – back to a type of affirmation and love she is only capable of providing to herself. She built a socially acceptable border around herself and further worked to remind others of her boundaries with the most thoughtful words one could offer.
The forecast for Raine often finds itself riddled with storms, however, she shields herself with an umbrella and unwavering effort to understand.