When Olivia Rodrigo released her recent album GUTS, my initial thought was that she absolutely ate every single song up. There hasn’t been a day where I don’t listen to that album and it’s because I can relate so much to the messages being sung. One of the songs I relate to the most is “the grudge” because it really helped me validate the anger I have at an ex-best friend of mine.
I’d been good friends with this guy since 6th grade, but because of the pandemic and social distancing, we had a falling out. Coming back for our junior year, he stopped talking to a lot of people, including me, because of his social anxiety, but he still made sure to invite me to his birthday party that spring. This is where I was able to reconnect with our other friends from middle school and I quickly realized how much I’d missed being around all of them and seeing us together.
Later on in the year, I started to hang out with them more and we became the best group of friends that I could’ve ever asked for. The five of us talked all of the time and there truly was never a dull moment with them. I’d never been attracted to any of them or wanted anything more than just friendship, but some people outside of our dynamic never saw it that way. The guys were always in and out of relationships and I would have to endure hearing about all of the explicit details of their “conquests,” but none of it ever made me jealous because I was always just friends with every single one of them.
Now the guy I was closest to got a girlfriend towards the end of junior year and I was always in full support of their relationship. I loved that the both of them had each other and I made sure that they both knew that. I never thought that I would come off as a threat to his girlfriend. I always talked to her in passing and I genuinely thought we were on great terms until one of the other guys in the friend group told me that she didn’t like when I hung out with him. I really didn’t believe that she thought that way until the end of our senior year.
I was having a really tough semester and I always talked to the guys about what I was going through, but her boyfriend was always the one that checked in and actually talked me through the things I was feeling. He was my best friend and I trusted him the most out of our friend group.
Eventually, the guys ended up having a large disagreement and he broke out of the friend group because “they left his birthday party early.” I knew they did it because they were upset with him, but I stayed the entire time so he knew that we weren’t all mad at him. I thought it was really interesting to see him use that reasoning since he left my birthday party at his own house to be with his girlfriend, but I got over it because it wasn’t a big deal. Even when I walked in on her calling us horrible people, I didn’t say anything to her or even mention it to him.
I stayed in contact with him over the next month because we had a class together and we were at least still friends, however, he started ditching that class to be with his girlfriend. He began to avoid all contact with me for no reason. At our first graduation, I went to congratulate both of them, but he quickly declined even taking a picture with me because he “didn’t like pictures,” which I knew was a lie. He proceeded to unfollow me on everything and stopped showing up to our shared class. The last time I saw both of them was at our last graduation and while I tried to at least send a smile his way, neither of them cared for me or the fact that I stayed courteous through the whole situation when I didn’t have to.
I’m still friends with the other guys and we’ve all talked about what happened with him and his girlfriend, but it got to the point where one of them would tell us to just get over it. I couldn’t do that and I hated the fact that I just couldn’t leave it in the past or even feel like I could forgive him. I was treated the worst out of all of them. They talked about how he still likes their reposts, still remains in contact with one of them, and how he congratulated them on their graduation day. I didn’t get any of that and I was the one that stayed at his birthday party. I was the one who still kept in contact with him when the rest of the group wanted nothing to do with him. I did nothing wrong to him or his girlfriend, yet I was the one left with absolutely nothing from either of them.
Everything that happened in those months and what the five of us went through holds a really special place in my heart which is why I hold this grudge. He cut contact with me so easily, as if our seven-year friendship meant absolutely nothing to him. I never thought that he could be so cruel. As much as people say that we shouldn’t hold grudges, I say we should normalize them because not everyone deserves to be forgiven. I’m a very self-aware person and I know that in this situation, I did no wrong. So, I hope that one day I don’t have to feel such anger towards him, but that moment is not now. I guess I just don’t have the strength to forgive him right now, and that’s okay because it’s taking everything within me to know that neither of them is worthy of hearing from me ever again.
Hearing Rodrigo sing of all of these feelings she had also experienced really helped me accept the anger I had towards the situation and confirm that I didn’t have to move on from it. She completely validated the way I was feeling in three minutes and nine seconds. I think it’s so great that she was able to put those frustrations into such a beautiful song because it allows people to know that they are allowed to feel the way that they feel. It’s okay to still hold onto things that hurt you and impacted the way you go about your life now because trauma from bad experiences is super valid and should never be judged or just pushed aside. So, hold on to that grudge because you don’t always have to be strong.