*Trigger Warning: this article discusses death and the mental impact of grief.
This is very different from what I usually write, but this week it’s hard to think about much else.
Grief sucks.
Here is a list of things I never knew about grief until I felt them, in no particular order.
Stages of grief
Everyone tells you there are these stages that you go through that eventually lead to acceptance. What they don’t tell you is that the majority of grief is feeling everything altogether, or quickly switching between them. I felt more acceptance the day he died than I do today. I felt angrier about it two weeks ago than I did a year ago. I bargained more when he told me he had two weeks left than I did in the two years without him. One day everything is a constant, heavy reminder, and the next you barely think about it. It’s difficult, loving someone who doesn’t exist any more. It doesn’t make sense and there are still days where I’m re-realizing that he’s actually gone. He didn’t block me, he’s not at a different school, we didn’t fade apart, he died.
Grief triggers grief
Two of my other friends passed away that same year and on their anniversaries I’m reminded of him. That being said, grief doesn’t even have to be from a death to trigger it. I had a best friend that meant everything to me (we don’t speak anymore) and on his birthday last semester I wasn’t just grieving that friendship, I grieved Nick, and Joseph, and Fr. Michel, and Ashley, and Seby, and everyone else I knew who died. And it sucked. Really bad.
Your triggers might not make any sense.
One really funny part of all of this is now fedoras make me emotional. He seemed to think he was the only person in the world who could unironically pull off wearing a fedora. The year before he was supposed to graduate, he stuck into our friend’s graduation wearing a suit and a fedora. It was the last time I saw him in person (his cancer made him at risk for getting Covid, so he wasn’t at school after that). Now every time I see a fedora, I cry, which he’d get a kick out of.
My attachment issues are insane now.
I cannot handle rejection, like at all. I need my friends to text me every time they get home, I need them to tell me when they’re mad at me, I need them to tell me what I can do better so they don’t leave. If you knew me in high school you probably wouldn’t recognize me now. I used to be incredibly sure of myself, I stood up for myself. I am now completely incapable of losing people. I also miss people a lot more. When I stop being friends with someone, it feels a lot more permanent than it actually is.
The nightmares
My nightmares have always been very realistic. They were always my worst fears: heights, the ocean, losing the people I love. I had nightmares about Nick dying before he died, but the nightmares I had after were absolutely awful. The summer after he died I averaged 1 hour of sleep a night because I was terrified of not being awake. I didn’t want to keep reliving it.
It actually does get easier
When he died I was convinced that every day for the rest of my life I would feel heavy and exhausted. And for a while after, I did. Some days were, and sometimes still are, completely and utterly miserable. But one day I was able to get out of bed, the next I was able to go back to school, then I was back in extracurriculars, and by the time I graduated high school, I was able to feel happy again. The grief didn’t change, but I became strong enough to carry it, to live with it.
Happy heavenly birthday my love, I miss you every day.
With love,
Mayanator
Grief Resources:
- AfterTalk
- This is an online grief support site offering inspirational stories, poems, quotes, and forums about the grief process after the death of a loved one. Free and nondenominational.
- GriefNet
- Grief Net is an internet community of persons dealing with death, grief, or major loss with close to 50 online support groups.
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- Grief Net is an internet community of persons dealing with death, grief, or major loss with close to 50 online support groups.
- GriefShare
- An international organization dedicated to holding local support group meetings for working through grief, with interactions from attending seminars with experts on grief to walking through your grief with others in your community from a non-denominational, biblical perspective.
- The Grief Toolbox
- The Grief Toolbox is an all-encompassing place for grief tools: a singular area where a person can find all the resources they need to help them with that grief that neither time nor money can solve.
- Online Memorial
- This website provides the opportunity to create a unique, online memorial for your loved one. You can add memories, photos, or videos and invite others to contribute. Memorials are displayed online or you may print it as a poster. Free as well as expanded paid options available.
Youth Crisis Hotline: 1-800-448-4663