Over this past fall and winter season, I found myself listening to Taylor Swift’s “tolerate it” many times; not only for the autumn vibes, but to sing along to the passionate and meaningful lyrics. The lyric “I wait by the door like I’m just a kid” always stood out to me in the sense that it can be interpreted in many different ways. Throughout the song, Taylor embraces her emotional vulnerability that captures her raw emotions through the loneliness and isolation that she experiences as a young adult. With the melancholic and nostalgic tone of the song, it helps listeners depict the song in their own way through their own personal experiences and allows listeners to reflect on how feelings are not reciprocated as we’d hope, which establishes the feeling of abandonment.
Growing up as a kid without siblings and parents who constantly worked, had put me in a position where I would have to always “wait by the door” for someone to understand me. I always thought to myself “maybe I wouldn’t be as lonely if I had a sibling”, because I constantly felt misunderstood by those around me, since there weren’t people my age around me at home. I would listen to my friends at school talk about their siblings and how much fun they had messing around with each other and doing homework together, which filled me with an overwhelming feeling of sadness and emptiness, as I would always do my homework alone and wouldn’t have someone to do things I liked with. Although I had an amazing childhood, there was always that lingering feeling of isolation that just wouldn’t go away. I realized that this feeling was negatively affecting me since it created a little girl who would hate raising her hand to answer a question in class or a shy girl who would get anxious talking to new people.
I tried my best to fit in at school, but it was always difficult when I was told “you wouldn’t understand, you don’t have a sibling” which made me feel even more lonely than I already was. There were days where I’d hope that my mom would somehow magically give birth to a child, so I could be there to take care of the baby and create new, loving memories with them.
I waited by the door. And waited. And waited. But it never happened.
I was going to be an only child forever.
However, I learned how to be independent and learned to explore the world on my own. I made the most out of what I had.
People always tell me that I’m so lucky to be an only child, and honestly, I understand why, but I also wished to have had someone close to my age around me while experiencing all the different milestones and life lessons that I’ve been through while developing into the person who I am today, which is why I’m still “waiting by the door”. The door that was closed on me as a kid, the door that created the emptiness in me, the door that made me long for more people my age around me. And that’s okay because I tolerated it and embraced the person I am by telling myself “I can do this, alone”.
The feeling of isolation will still always linger in me, but has helped me reflect over my independence and has allowed me to discover things about myself that I didn’t realize. It helped me to step out of my comfort zone and explore the world on my own. Yes, isolation is stigmatized, but it has also encouraged my independence and resilience to help me navigate life’s challenges independently, without having to ask for constant help. My past experiences with the feeling of loneliness as a kid has shaped me into a mindful and reflective individual who is able to cultivate a deeper connection to myself and with the world around me, to better understand the ups and downs that life will consistently bring.