I like girls and boys.
Liking girls is something that I kept a secret for a long time. You see, everyone that knows me well considers me to be a big romantic. I often think about my wedding dress, my future house, and my future kids. I idealize the prospect of love and the existence of soulmates on the daily. I think about what my future spouse will look like. Sometimes I envision a boy with shaggy hair and a big smile. Sometimes I envision a girl with thin lips and big brown eyes. I haven’t shared this with anyone until a few weeks ago.
Not all people are accepting, or have the right things to say. When I would casually try to hint at my attraction to girls, like saying I can’t help but stare at women I find attractive, I’m almost always met with a “Yeah, everyone thinks girls are hot,” or “You’re just sizing her up.”
So I stopped telling people. I stopped sharing that part of myself.
But for the last few months, I haven’t been able to get her out of my brain– the hypothetical dream girl with big brown eyes and thin lips.
A couple of weeks ago, I shared this with a friend who I knew wouldn’t judge me. When I talked about the girl, and this article idea, I was met with a smile. No judgment. She simply said, “That’s so cool. Thin lips are against the beauty standard.” It was such a simple thing to say, but it made me feel so seen and validated. I felt really happy.
I think a reason why some of the people in my life are shocked when I say I think girls are attractive is because of the way I present myself. I’m very “femme”– almost always wearing heeled shoes, a full face of makeup, wearing a lot of dresses and pink, etc… Not that any of this means anything. It’s just that in the media, we always see women who are interested in other women portrayed in a very stereotypical way. Butch, deep voice, masculine dressing, serious attitude, and so on (ala Orange is the New Black). Lesbian and bisexual women are simply oversexualized (for example, in Rachel McAdams’ Disobedience). However, I am neither of these things. I am the antithesis of “butch.” And while my straight friends go to parties and make out with girls for fun, I have never even come close to doing something so performatively sexualized. I think not falling into these stereotypes I have seen so often portrayed deepened my confusion. I think of women who like other women and I am met with these two ideas– butch and oversexualized. I don’t fit into these boxes. I never have.
Outside of my family and friends, my relationship with my religion has also added to my confusion. Christianity is notoriously intolerant. It is only recently that we see a trend in outwardly inclusive churches. Even so, there is still a lot of hate within the Christian community which is so backward. The foundation of Christianity is supposed to be love and acceptance! I used to go to a church camp every summer between the ages of 9-17. When I was 12, I remember sitting in a circle in my cabin. We were having an open discussion with our counselors about any questions we had circling in our minds. I asked, “Are gay people really sinners? How does that make any sense? They are just loving other people.” In the midst of my questions, I started uncontrollably sobbing. I didn’t realize how heavy these questions had been weighing on my chest until they were out of my mouth. In response, my counselor put her hand on my back and said “We choose to love sinners and hate their sins.” Nearly nine years later, I still think about this moment so often. While it is not nearly as strong as it once was, I still do love my faith. I love Jesus. I love boys. And I also love girls. For the longest time, I thought I had to pick between these things. I couldn’t have all three. I couldn’t love Jesus and love girls. However, I have recently come to terms with the belief that if Jesus truly created me and knows my heart, then He doesn’t care who I love.
Someone who helped me come to this conclusion was a teacher I had in junior high. I did a lot of projects on LGBTQ+ rights over the course of my middle school years (I said I was a fervent ally). My history teacher/gifted student coordinator at the time is a very proud lesbian. She is one of the most passionate, smart individuals I have ever met. My teacher often talked about her wife and children, and the beautiful life they had created together. Seeing her so accomplished and proud of her identity motivated me to someday be as proud. At the end of the year, she signed my yearbook with a long beautiful message. She concluded it with a picture of a dragon with rainbow scales. When she handed me the yearbook, she winked and said to keep being myself. I will never forget how good it felt to be seen at that moment.
I guess what I’m trying to say is find people that see you and hold onto them. Surround yourself with people that make you feel loved, accepted, and validated. It is okay to be confused. Even I invalidate myself sometimes. Don’t all girls think about kissing other girls? Just because I think of holding hands with girls AND boys a lot doesn’t mean I’m not straight, right? Am I really just desperate for someone to love me? These questions swirl around my brain every single day. And that’s okay. Though I do hope one day to have validation and acceptance from every single person I care about, I think I have to start by untangling the biases I hold. It is okay that I don’t fit into any boxes. I am my own person with my own identity, and it is okay that I don’t have everything figured out right now.