Phoebe Bridgers was right, it was definitely for the better. I never thought that any good could come out of breaking “no contact,” but it allowed me to finally find peace and acceptance in parting from someone who I used to be close friends with. I spent the recent months reminiscing on our good times and had come to the decision that he deserved an apology from me.
I wasn’t exactly the best person towards the end of our friendship and I would constantly go into phases where I would speak to him and then straight up ignore him for days. It was a really bad cycle that I was in solely because I was hurt and confused by how I felt towards him. I knew I cared for him and that I liked him, but it was so exhausting to be his friend. I decided to follow my head rather than my heart, so I ignored him for some time until I told him I couldn’t be his friend anymore. He really didn’t like the sound of that and begged for me to stay, but our friendship was already so broken by this point and I didn’t see how it could’ve been fixed. Over time, he stopped trying to talk to me and we became strangers all over again.
I spent a month carefully constructing the best apology to him, but when I sent it, there was no answer. I didn’t expect him to answer, but I was a little shocked at the lack of response. I knew I couldn’t leave it like that and not knowing was just eating me alive. About a month and a half later, I reached out to him again and asked for one final conversation about everything that had happened between us, which he agreed to.
The phone call happened late at night and worked its way into the early hours of the next day. We spoke for well over two hours and it truly was the most aggravating phone call of my entire life. He told me that he regrets ever being friends with me and wouldn’t be friends with another girl unless his intention was to date her. He spoke on us being complete opposites and how he had such conservative views on life and the way that it “should be lived.” He laughed when I asked if he felt hurt when I initially told him we couldn’t be friends. He questioned my worth and asked me what I could offer him. He became offended when I thought that his way of thinking was crazy and used my time at therapy against me to emphasize that I had to be the crazy one here. At this point, I didn’t recognize who I was speaking to anymore. This wasn’t the boy that I had a crush on my freshman year of high school. This wasn’t the boy I became close friends with two years later. This wasn’t the boy that took one final long look at me at our graduation rehearsal. I was speaking to someone that I couldn’t even respect anymore. He carried every characteristic of someone that I could hate.
I knew then that we could never be friends. It was almost as if he was trying to show me how horrible of a person he was, how incompatible we were, and how it’s best if we aren’t in each other’s lives. Sometimes I wonder if parts of it were forced, so that I had a good enough reason to hate him, but I genuinely believe this is who he’s always been. I just failed to pay attention to the small details that he showed me. As much as I wanted the phone call to end, and to never speak to him ever again, it was difficult to say goodbye. I had to grieve a boy and an entire friendship that only existed in my memories. I told him that I didn’t know what I hoped for him, and even now, I still don’t know. He doesn’t seem to be anyone’s destiny. With the way he thinks, I fear that he will always be alone, just like he was in high school. I just feel really sorry for him.
As soon as he hung up, I felt a weight lift off my body. I felt completely free. Everything between us had been unraveled and our string was finally cut. He had made it easier for me to accept our ending, but I still grieved the boy with his red truck. I grieved the boy who loved soccer, so I went to his matches and cheered him on. I grieved the boy that met my family and shook my father’s hand at my birthday party. I grieved the boy that once believed in me and knew I could go far. Sometimes I still miss what we had, but we became entirely different people in our time apart. There was nothing left to salvage and I’m okay with that.
I’m happy that I broke “no contact” because if not, I’d still be hung up on a stranger that doesn’t want to be held onto. You may be wanting to reach out to someone, but not every connection is worth going back to. I suggest waiting it out before you take any action. I gave myself about four months until I felt that I couldn’t let go of it until I spoke to him one last time. It wasn’t an easy decision to make, but I knew it was ultimately for me because I didn’t want anything from him but that last conversation. That’s a huge point that I try to make to people because I don’t suggest breaking “no contact” when you feel lonely or are just looking for a distraction. Doing so would undo any type of growth you gained in your time away from this person and I get it, but don’t do that to yourself. You can be strong and live your life without this person, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now. It’s good to feel all of your feelings and feel the weight of that loss, but have faith that it happened for a reason. You don’t need to reach out immediately, but if it’s been enough time and you still can’t get over it, then you may need to break “no contact.” Maybe then you’ll be able to get the closure you needed and finally allow yourself to move onto better things that have been awaiting you.