Throughout my academic, romantic, and professional 20 years of life, I have subjected myself to multiple instances of disappointment. Whether it was my group project members forgetting to do their part up until the last minute or my bosses scheduling me for shifts I’m not able to work. I’ve constantly struggled with setting boundaries and protecting my peace. I told myself in 2023 I couldn’t do that anymore. It isn’t as easy as it seems…
Luckily, I have an amazing support system around me to help. One of the biggest advocates for boundary setting I’ve met is my wonderful girlfriend, Angelina Calomino. Calomino is a Public Health major who works as a Heart Peer Educator at the Wellness Resource Center on Temple University’s campus. I sat down with her this week to discuss the joys and struggles of setting boundaries.
Her Campus at Temple University: Firstly, introduce yourself!
Angelina Calomino: So, the Wellness Resource Center is a wonderful place on campus that provides events and programming regarding a variety of health topics that students deal with… As a Heart Peer Educator, I’ve been trained by the pro-staff at the [WRC] to facilitate this knowledge and provide students with health education and information about these topics!
HCTU: What does setting boundaries mean to you?
AC: I feel that it’s really important to advocate for yourself and do what you can to protect yourself, make your life easier, ensure that you’re mental health and wellness is being prioritized. Advocating for myself has been something that I perhaps didn’t always practice, but throughout my experience as a college student… where you are dealing with other students and professors, I’ve learned to practice this in my everyday life….
HCTU: What are some steps you take in your life to make setting boundaries a priority?
AC: Setting boundaries is something we have to consciously practice. Even before I enter a situation, say a group project for example, I assess myself beforehand. I assess what I think I can handle, where do I know my limits are, what would I be uncomfortable with, and then in the situation… I can approach it differently and outwardly say “Hey, I need this to be submitted a few days ahead of time or I’m going to be anxious about it….” Stuff like that. That’s just an example for me, but that can look like a lot of different things for a lot of different people. So again, just checking in with yourself before and throughout the process….
HCTU: How do you go about setting boundaries in a professional relationship compared to a romantic one?
AC: If you are in a friendship or a romantic situation, likely that person knows you a little bit better than someone in a professional or academic setting does. So you might find it easier to set a boundary in that situation because you already have that established trust and connection. In professional and academic settings, I initially thought it was a little bit harder. But, I’ve kind of adopted an attitude of like, I guess, self-preservation almost. Yeah, even though [colleagues, classmates, etc.] might not know me very well, regardless of that, I can offer myself the opportunity to not be anxious about something. Or to have the things I need to succeed. Sometimes all the [colleagues, classmates, etc.] needs is just one initial conversation starter- “Why don’t we discuss our boundaries for this?” And then people feel welcome to do that.
HCTU: What is your advice on boundary setting that doesn’t work out? How do you effectively deal with others who don’t respect your boundaries?
AC: So, that can be a little tricky especially if you are uncomfortable setting boundaries in the first place. I would say that in general, it’s okay to be a little bit firm. To be a little bit assertive. Of course, you don’t want to intrude on other people’s boundaries- to be disrespectful or rude. But, I used to approach boundary setting in a way that was perhaps people-pleasing. I would say, “Can we- I’m so sorry- but is it okay if we do blah blah blah?” Versus being assertive from the get-go, by saying “I think we should meet to discuss this. What is a date that works for everyone?” Something like that, where you are not creating the opportunity for someone to say that they don’t want to respect that. Essentially you are stating what you are feeling rather than asking if what you are feeling is okay. And that can make all the difference in whether someone decides to push back or not in the first place.
In my conversation with Calomino, I realized one of the biggest steps to protecting your peace is advocating for yourself. In relationships, whether romantic or not, it’s so incredibly important to put your feelings first. One of the most powerful tools for your self-preservation, as Calomino points out, is respect for yourself and your well-being.