Thanksgiving and Christmas are probably the two most common holidays that families gather together. In most cases, one would consider this an enjoyable time. However, for LGBT youth, either in the closet or that have unaccepting families, it can be the opposite.
Although America is moving forward (or at least was) with their progressive ideas, many families still do not accept their children due to their sexual identity. This is a problem year-round, but it becomes especially relevant when the holidays come around because these youths are either forced to be uncomfortable with their family members or be shunned by their family members. From my own personal experience and through hearing many of my friends’ experiences, the holidays can be emotionally draining because of judgmental family members. This really sucks because Thanksgiving and Christmas are both about spending time with your family and being thankful you have them. In these situations, these kids can’t enjoy their holiday season with their families and it takes a toll on their mental health and self-esteem.
In most cases, the reason for this largely negative impact is that people are born with the sense of wanting to be accepted.
Psychologists say many LGBT youth’s risk factor of suicide goes up when their families don’t accept them. The issue is improving; however, bullying is still a large problem for the LGBT community. Bullying is one thing but adding families onto this stress amplify the effects of bullying. As a family, you are supposed to love and support each other.
“LGB youth who come from highly rejecting families are 8.4 times as likely to have attempted suicide as LGB peers who reported no or low levels of family rejection.”
-Family Acceptance Project™ (2009)
Interacting with family members who may not outright be homophobic, transphobic, etc. but have internalized senses of these things is also extremely draining. When family members drop hints or make offensive jokes about different sexual identities, it can make these kids feel very invalidated and even more afraid to come out; and those who have come out may regret their decision to be so open about their sexuality. When a teenage girl is asked a question like “Oh, have you found a boyfriend yet?” or a teenage boy is made fun of for liking something feminine, it’s demeaning to them. These family members may not even realize they’re doing something so hurtful, which makes the situation even more awkward; and then if the child stands up for themselves, they’re told they’re “being too sensitive” or to get over it, instead of getting an apology and the family member not saying the things that make them uncomfortable.
A lot of these experiences described above are either personal or what my friends experienced. We all learned to cope with these situations in our own ways. Some of us are more passive, dealing with it and letting it go, not allowing them to bother us and ruin our holiday.
However, it might not be so easy for everyone. In this case, here are some ways to deal with that, according to Michael C. LaSala Ph.D., a gay and lesbian well-being counselor. He calls this method the “ABC plan for LGBT people during holiday gatherings.” By the title, it seems promising.
First, “A” is for acknowledgement and acceptance. The idea behind this point is to prepare for potential arguments and issues that your family might present to you that make you uncomfortable. Practice how to calmly deal with them, whether they make remarks or cause a larger scene. If they don’t give up, ignore them. You don’t have to bother with them, just let it go and vent to a friend or other trusted person later.
“B” is for boundaries. Don’t take on more than you can handle. If you don’t feel comfortable seeing any of your family, politely decline the invitation or come up with some sort of excuse to not go. If you do go, set limits as to what you’re willing to talk about and where you want to stay (i.e. a hotel if you’re uncomfortable staying with your family).
“C” is for compassion. Understanding that your family may need some time to accept your new self. No one likes change, and due to our heteronormative society… Well, that’s pretty different from many other people. It is an unfortunate circumstance, but many people are still unfamiliar and learning about LGBT lifestyles (for lack of better words/this isn’t meant to sound offensive).
If you are a member of the LGBT community and feel uncomfortable with your family, I urge you to try this method over the holidays. It truly hurts when your family/people you thought were your friends can’t accept you for who you are, especially if it’s because of something you can’t help.
Overall, the most we can do in these situations is fight hate with love, as cliché as it sounds.
Using the ABC method is exactly how to accomplish that. People can change; people can learn to accept something they once thought was unacceptable. And no matter what these people think, whether they change or not, there will always be a huge, strong community behind you who loves you and accepts you for whoever or whatever you are. If you are a member of the LGBT community, keep this article in mind over your holiday season and don’t lose hope.