On social media, primarily TikTok, the phrase “pick me” has been gaining popularity to describe women’s behavior that appeals to a male perspective. This could be seen in videos where a woman will talk about interests in typically male hobbies or put down other women to uplift herself in a man’s presence. To be “chosen” by men, women whoremove themselves from traditionally feminine features, denigrate other women to appeal to males, or perpetuate misogynistic stereotypes are frequently referred to by this title. The idea of a “pick me” woman is frequently presented as a betrayal of feminism. Still, in the end, it highlights a larger social problem: the historical and current pressure on women to measure their value based on how attractive they are to men.
Women’s safety, financial stability, and social status were dependent on men for centuries. The ability to find a partner was frequently used to gauge a woman’s success in life, and this is still a deeply rooted expectation in many societies. In a society where obtaining male approval has always been necessary for survival, the notion of a “pick me”, a woman who prioritizes male approval, should not come as a surprise. The present tendency of mocking “pick me” women ignores this context and places the blame on individuals rather than the patriarchal systems that
initially conditioned them to seek approval. I don’t think women who put down other women or typically feminine interests is good, but I also think it is important to look into why they are behaving this way and what it means to criticize a woman for this behavior.
Often, calling someone a “pick me” is more of an insult than constructive criticism. Instead of acknowledging the larger influences that shape women, it reduces them to their actions in a single instant. Additionally, it establishes a false dichotomy, according to which some women are sympathetic sellouts, and others are educated feminists. In reality, almost all women have at some point looked for male approval since that is how society has taught them to behave. It is a gained survival technique for women in society and an unconscious approach as well.
The “pick me” debate is ironic because, in the end, it perpetuates the very behavior it claims to condemn and continues to evaluate women according to their appearance in comparison to males. Social media frequently resorts to public shaming rather than providing help or acknowledging the forces that influence these behaviors, turning complex gender issues into an online spectacle.
Instead of addressing the underlying problem, this further divides women against one another. Publicly criticizing and ridiculing women for being “pick me’s ” are not ways to overcome internalized misogyny. Understanding the underlying causes of these behaviors and establishing environments where women feel appreciated outside of their relationships with men is a more fruitful strategy. I believe that true empowerment comes from challenging the patriarchal structure rather than condemning people who continue to function within it.