Learning how to let go of relationships is sometimes the hardest thing to do.
Relationships are complicated, and the complications don’t magically disappear as soon as they end. Learning to let go of people and feelings that no longer serve you can be a dark time that is difficult to navigate, so I created a guide to help let the light in.
Letting Go of the Fantasy
Do you catch yourself thinking about all the sweet things they used to do or say, or mourning a future that never came to fruition?
You may be holding on to an idealized image of who this person was. You have to let go of the fantasy of the relationship and their role in it. Maybe they always held your hand the whole walk home to your place and never let you forget how beautiful you are, but they also ended up being okay with hurting you the way they did.
This doesn’t mean the moments you’re holding onto have no meaning, because they did, and they do. However, you will meet people who will do the same sweet things for you and mean them wholeheartedly. No pain and no strings attached.
Letting Go of the “What Ifs”
What if I did this differently? What if I hadn’t said that? What if… these questions will eat you up. Here’s some new food for thought: What if you weren’t the problem? What if it was actually… them?
We tend to examine the potential causes for a relationship’s end, especially when things feel out of our control. If they ended things, you may wonder about all the ways you could have “prevented” it or kept their interest. This way of thinking helps no one and gets you nowhere.
Remember that there’s nothing you can do for someone who isn’t for you. You can be the most amazing person, do all the right things, and bestow so much love upon them, and it still wouldn’t matter. Nothing you do can keep the wrong person from leaving, but you will never be too little or too much for the right one. Alternatively, if you ended things, you may be thinking about if you made the right decision, all the ways you could have held on, and maybe fixed the relationship. Don’t second-guess your intuition.
Remember your reasons for leaving and own your truth. It can feel strange or wrong to move on from someone who took up a great chunk of your life for a month, two months, eight months, or a year. Give yourself a month. Two months. Eight months. A year. If you are still feeling the same way, maybe the talk is worth revisiting, but chances are, you will feel confident in your decision.
Letting Go of Comparison
If the person that has led you to read this has a romantic track record of any kind, you may be thinking: Why did they treat me like this? They didn’t treat their ex(es) like this. Why couldn’t they give me the same love/attention/effort/time they did for their ex(es)? Why can’t I be the person they end up with and/or treat right?
These are assumptions you can’t even prove to be true. Every relationship is different, with different dynamics, different issues, and different reasons for ending. Additionally, you can’t assume that someday they’ll become the idealized person inside your head and magically treat someone else right. It’s all speculation, and it’s not worth holding onto when there is someone out there who, with 100% certainty, will give you all the effort and love you need and more.
Letting Go of their Socials
Checking what they’re up to, who they’re following, and inflicting heart-stabbing pain upon yourself by going through each Instagram photo is not going to help you move on. It’s best to go cold turkey and unfollow their social media, even block them if you have to. You don’t have to psych yourself out over every new follower they gain, wondering who she is and what she looks like because you won’t know.
Yes, not knowing is such a sickening feeling, but what they’re doing doesn’t matter anymore. If they can so easily disconnect from you in real life, why should they get to keep you as a follower?
If you aren’t letting go of their socials because they still look at your stories and you want to “show them what they’re missing,” listen to me: you shouldn’t have to prove why leaving you was a mistake. The right person understands how special you are, and they would NEVER give that up. So, think of something this person did that put fireballs where your eyes used to be, and use that momentum to hit unfollow.
Letting Go of Bad Habits
With letting go of a relationship comes lessons learned. You learn what makes a relationship work, and what doesn’t. Maybe you learned that you put up with a lot of red flags and give chances to people who don’t show you the respect you deserve.
Maybe you discovered more about how you deal with conflict, your attachment style, or your love language. Whatever realizations you uncovered, you are walking away with more knowledge than you came in with and new tools to help you navigate future ones.
And Lastly: Letting Go Doesn’t Mean Forgetting.
You don’t have to throw all your memories of them out the window. Letting go just means knowing your worth and moving on from this person, the pain they put you through, and the heavy feelings they left you with. Before you embark on the journey of letting go, allow yourself to feel.
You are allowed to grieve a relationship no matter the label (or lack thereof), how long it was, or how it ended. You’re probably feeling a lot of strong emotions (anger, sadness, heartbreak, nostalgia) and it can be easy to get swept up in them. While you are processing and working through these feelings, remember to keep yourself grounded.
Set up a routine to keep yourself motivated and productive instead of under your covers listening to Phoebe Bridgers for a whole week. Stretch out your body, cook yourself (or buy) a yummy meal, spend time with your friends, and prioritize your education, career, and mental health. Take a bubble bath. Watch a movie. Eat a chocolate bar. Give yourself a long hug.
Show up for yourself and love yourself in the ways you keep wishing others would. You are your own knight in shining armor, and your own elegant, dazzling, and dynamic princess. You will get through this, and the only way out is through.