A Single Male’s Guide to Cuffing Season

The temperature is dropping, the snow is falling, and you just quadruple texted your most recent Tinder match.

That’s right men: it’s Cuffing Season.

Us collegiates love to say we’re dedicated to the single life, but when it’s winter and we’re too broke to turn the heat on, the idea of having someone warm to spend time with starts to get a lot more attractive. We call this phenomenon Cuffing Season -- and odds are, one or two of your friends have already fallen prey to its pull.

At first, the season seemed promising.

That one person you talked to last semester starts making increasingly desperate posts about how lonely they are. Your Tinder is suddenly blowing up like it never has before. Your friend begins trying to hook you up with his friend’s friend’s roommate. You begin to have hope that maybe you won’t end up with frostbite this year. But alas, after the first week or two, Cuffing Season gets downright depressing.

By the end of December, you and your circle put up missing posters for each of your friends who are in a relationship. You’ve probably compiled a list of the top five southern schools you want to transfer to.

The Morgan Hall wind tunnel has claimed the life of your best dating prospect, or at least you assume that’s why you’ve been left on read for the past week. As the thermometer gets closer to zero, so does your hope that you’re going to come out of the winter with anything even resembling a relationship.

Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, the new year came and brought with it the absolute worst of the season. Much like the freshmen risking hypothermia walking to frat parties, you wander the streets of North Philly looking for anyone who hasn’t already found a partner. You realize that buying a queen mattress was way too ambitious around the same time that the last single person in your friend group gets back with their ex out of desperation. As acceptance sets in, you make use of coping mechanisms like facetiming your dog and having totally heterosexual group cuddles with your bros. At this point you’d do anything for it to be spring again.

In truth, Cuffing Season isn’t that bad for the single guy. The cold gives you ample time to hit the gym, study, and generally do all those things you told yourself you would do at the beginning of the semester. So get your coat on, get out there, and try to find someone just as desperate for warmth as you. Let’s get this bread, Kings.