A look into romanticizing strangers on the internet.
It starts with a swipe. Suddenly, you’re talking to someone new. Flirting on Tinder soon becomes texting for a week straight. You haven’t even met this person yet– you have maybe one photo you would deem worthy of showing your friend, and somehow, you can’t help but feel enamored by them. Why is it we are hooked on a hologram? Why are we idealizing people we barely know? What happens when our expectations for online partners don’t meet reality?
It is so easy to get swept up in the fact you matched with someone you think is attractive. It is even easier to believe they’re your type just from a photo and their favorite movie. I’m not saying you should ditch every dating app and only meet people at bars or coffee shops, but you do need to give yourself a reality check. The idealized version of “Jason, 22” inside your head won’t be the same person taking you out to dinner. I asked local students about their experiences with “Romancing the Phone” and how to avoid the consequences.
We all want to live out our fantasies and date that dream person we have in our heads. This dream falls short when we realize nobody is going to have all the qualities we want in a partner. When talking to some friends about reasons we catch ourselves idealizing potential partners, Claire, 21, had this to say: “It’s almost like I’m looking for a certain person, so I just put that persona on someone as opposed to taking people as they are.” Embellishing somebody with our own personal touch morphs and shapes them to be someone completely different from who they are.
Romanticizing potential partners can also stem from the idea of a person’s “potential.” When we know so little about someone, it’s not hard for our minds to take creative control of how we perceive them. “…I think people get obsessed with the idea of a person’s potential. They’re still new and you haven’t figured everything out about them just yet, so there’s this potential they could fulfill and check your boxes, which leads to that excitement or built-up expectation,” Dahlia, a senior, explains.
Alternatively, people may brand themselves differently online from how they are in person. Jade, a junior at Temple University, says, “I feel like anyone can act a certain way when it’s just purely texting.” People we meet and talk with online may say all the right things and set certain intentions with you, only to be the exact opposite. “This most recent guy was all talk and didn’t live up to what he was saying… People can fake it over text, but in person, it’s a whole different game,” Jade adds.
So how do we stop ourselves from falling into the romanticization rabbit hole?
Remember nobody’s perfect.
It’s easy to get wrapped up in the excitement of a crush and forget they aren’t perfect. Everyone has flaws and makes mistakes, even you. Treat potential partners with the same notion.
Switch up the daydream plot.
If you have ever created a “nighttime scenario” before bed, conjuring up cute moments in your head with someone you’re talking to, you’ve romanticized the potential of who they could be and what they could potentially bring to the relationship. This sets us up for disappointment when the person in our head doesn’t end up being a guy who sets off metaphorical sparks when he kisses you or holds a boombox outside your window like the guy in Say Anything. It’s healthy to fantasize and daydream, but when it starts affecting how we perceive someone new, we need to remind ourselves that what we hope for them to be isn’t always the reality. In these moments, try swapping out the person you’re talking to with a celebrity crush.
Take note of inconsistencies.
If someone you meet online is promising you they are a “nice guy” or are “different from the rest,” take it with a grain of salt until you meet them in person. It’s not a bad thing to put your best foot forward with potential partners, but some people make false promises and weaponize affection to deceive others. If and when you meet someone IRL, be aware if you notice their words don’t match their real-life behavior.
Meet people where they are, as they are.
When someone doesn’t meet our expectations, we can’t help but feel a little disappointed. In these moments, we need to practice acceptance. Accepting someone as they are is very important in building relationships with others. Nobody is going to check all of our boxes, and whether those open boxes are dealbreakers or not, is for us to decide. If you realize you aren’t as into them as you thought you were, that’s okay. You don’t have to continue talking to them.
Don’t feel bad if you have romanticized someone or focused too much on their potential. Instead, remember these tips the next time you find yourself in a talking stage with someone new.