In Stranger Things season 5, the characters Jonathan Byers and Nancy Wheeler tearfully split after a long period (almost four seasons) of dating. While fan reactions ranged from complete and utter confusion, to sadness, to bittersweet satisfaction, to relief, my only thought was finally.
In the second episode of the first season, Jonathan secretly takes photographs of Nancy Wheeler undressing through the window of her boyfriend Steve’s bedroom. Jonathan does end up giving Nancy somewhat an apology for his actions, and the two begin to form a connection relatively soon after, but I’ve never been able to get past the initial creepiness. Jonathan’s apology is too brief and seems to check a box to move forward with the relationship rather than ever truly addressing the degree of his wrongdoing.
While the writing of Stranger Things is not exactly notable for filling in all the gaps, there is a pattern in how quickly male characters are forgiven for the mistreatment of women not just onscreen, but by audiences as well. The Vampire Diaries is a more severe example, as the character Elena Gilbert ends up with love interest Damon Salvatore, who commits several pretty deplorable acts even before the two’s relationship begins. Namely, Damon repeatedly uses his vampire compulsion to assault and manipulate other women, including Elena’s best friend, Caroline.
If that’s not enough, after being rejected by Elena (while she is already in a relationship), in a fit of rage, Damon murders her younger brother, Jeremy. Of course, in classic supernatural teen drama logic, there’s no harm, no foul because Jeremy was wearing a magical ring –a fact Damon was unaware of– and can just come back to life.
Both Jonathan/Nancy and Elena/Damon were and have remained hugely popular relationships, garnering large support from audiences regardless of their less-than-ideal beginnings. What irks me the most is that, for all the wrongdoings of the men in these examples, Nancy Wheeler and Elena Gilbert are two of the most hated characters on their respective shows.
In media, the unforgivable sins of women include being annoying, being boring, leading male characters on, loosely defined emotional cheating, not knowing what you want out of life, not being ambitious enough, being too ambitious, being male-centered, being too perfect, or not being perfect enough. In contrast, the forgivable sins of men not only include stalking, murder, and sexual assault, but extend to selling you for a hotel (Chuck and Blair, Gossip Girl), not letting you know he has a wife (Derek and Meredith, Grey’s Anatomy), pretending he didn’t know you were a minor so he could use you for information on your missing best friend (Ezra and Aria, Pretty Little Liars), and lots and lots of general betrayal and infidelity. Besides the obvious imbalances, a pattern emerges: the worst acts of men always seem to be actionable moral transgressions, while the flaws of women are defined as character issues, making them insufferable, intolerable, and undeserving of redemption.
Outside of the extremes, I actually think that forgiveness is one of the most beautiful things that can be portrayed in media. In the digital age, we’ve created this idea that people can’t change, and I just don’t think that is true. Now more than ever, we need people to realize that change is possible, and that starts with looking at their own lives. Seeing the characters we love realize that they are flawed, forgive themselves, and seek to fix the error of their ways, reminds us that it’s okay to do so.
I like the Stranger Things example, because that show, for all its faults (of which there are many), actually contains a well-crafted example of what forgiveness and character development can look like. When introduced, Steve Harrington is wealthy, popular, and charming, but arrogant, with horrible friends and an apparent tendency to speak without considering others. He reacts poorly to the disappearance of Barb, Nancy Wheeler’s best friend, caring more about the potential consequences for himself (having thrown the party she vanished from). For many episodes, he indulges his friends in their bullying and mockery of their classmates, even permitting them to graffiti “Nancy ‘The Slut’ Wheeler” on their local movie theater.
After realizing his mistakes, Steve repeatedly not only apologizes, but acts to make amends. He cleans up the graffiti himself and replaces a camera of Jonathan’s that he broke. He becomes a role model and friend to younger characters and continues in a fight that is arguably not his own for the good of his friends and town.
Yet these full journeys to forgiveness are few and far between. Arcs like Steve Harrington’s, or Jamie Tartt’s in Ted Lasso, or Richie Jerimovich’s in The Bear, are so satisfying because we see the learning and the growth without losing the personalities of the characters. You can keep some arrogance or some edge while becoming a better person, and that’s shown through actions. Especially when the transgressions are against women, these steps are often skipped, because the assumption is that the audience will continue to love these characters after a quick explanation or a “sorry,” only to cause hurt again and again and again.
What’s more is that, as rare as these arcs are in mainstream television today for male characters, they are even more rarely afforded to women. We’re rarely gifted a truly flawed, complex, human woman – and if we are, she was most likely written by a woman (thank you, Phoebe Waller-Bridge’s Fleabag and Mindy Kaling’s Devi Vishwakumar, I love you). Instead, even when we are presented with the most perfect, caring, understanding character, she is torn to shreds by the public just for the crime of being. It’s harder to reach a turning point when the battle was losing to begin with.
You may be thinking that all of these examples are fictional, so why would it matter? It matters because this phenomenon is not exclusive to fiction. As of writing this, Colton Underwood is still on the hit show The Traitors US, even after his ex-girlfriend had to take out a restraining order against him for alleged stalking. Certain musical artists continue to sell out stadiums or actors never fail to book roles, while the stories of their evils are reduced to “don’t forget” comments under social media posts announcing their new successes. The way men treat women has never been a truly punishable offense, at least in the eyes of the general public. Whether in real life or onscreen, forgiveness is implied for men, not earned, while women must work their way up from proving they don’t deserve to be hated from the get-go. deserve to be hated from the get-go.
We should want more for and from our characters. We should want them to err, struggle, grow, learn, and change. We should want to root for those that undergo a true transformation because of the times and experiences we stick with them through, while remaining the characters we know and love, where it matters. Instead, often the acts of men are heinous and forgotten, and the acts of women are tamed yet vilified. If you’re going to let men do horrible things, don’t you dare give me an empty resolution and a “happy” ending. If you’re going to hate a woman, then at least let her do something to deserve it. Rob a bank, perhaps.