Relationships, friendships, or really any kind of ship can be difficult to manage sometimes, especially when the waters get dicey. Navigating the world requires you to constantly adjust your sails, and let’s face it, college is a hurricane.
Especially in the world of “savages” as Rihanna puts it, expressing your feelings and being transparent with friends or a significant other (or potential S.O.) about the way you feel seems incredibly difficult, but it doesn’t have to be. Trust your gut, be honest with yourself, and don’t be afraid to lay it all out on the table.
You asked, I answered.
Question: I recently started seeing a guy and we instantly clicked. We have pretty much all the same interests and get along so well. After meeting him, we pretty much hung out every day for three weeks straight. Well, we finally got to talking about our pasts and I found out he had a girlfriend of three years who used to live with and they broke up only two weeks before we met. Previous to finding this out he did mention he had one previous serious girlfriend and he had occasionally brought her up in conversation. I really like him though. So my question is, do you think it’s possible to actually build a relationship right now or do you think it’s way too soon for him to start a relationship? I’m just scared of being a “rebound,” and I’m not sure what to do.
Lo: Hi! I can totally understand why you’re feeling a little hesitant to move forward with this guy considering his history. No one wants to be a “rebound,” and it can be scary and intimidating being the next girl he dates after a long term relationship ended. However, it sounds to me like this guy is super interested in you and wants to pursue some kind of relationship. You two obviously have a lot of chemistry to spend a lot of time together so soon after initially meeting, and I don’t think the fact that he just got out of a relationship has to dampen that at all! My biggest advice is to be straight up with him and ask why the relationship ended. Maybe it was over for a long time and neither of them wanted to admit it. Regardless, if he wasn’t ready to move on and remove his ex from his life I don’t think he would be so quick to hang out with you or open up to you like that. There is definitely this preconceived idea that there needs to be this “healing time” in between relationships, but I don’t think that’s true at all. For your own peace of mind, I recommend letting your fears be known and telling him how you feel. Good luck!
Question: What’s your advice for moving on after a long-term relationship that ended because of the distance between the two of you?
Lo: As we all know, long distance relationships aren’t easy and they can be super frustrating for both parties involved. Ending a relationship because of distance is difficult because that may be the only reason the relationship had to end. First, give yourself time to grieve and move on. If you’re not ready to jump back into the dating pool, you don’t have to! Next, consider how you use social media. If you used online communication a lot during your relationship, it might be best to delete old messages from your S.O. Facebook stalking or obsessively checking his/her Snapchat story may also not be the best way to move on from your relationship. Focus on yourself, your schoolwork (believe it or not) and immersing yourself in the moment at your school. Your friends will be your biggest asset during this time. Plan a fun weekend, go out to dinner with a big group, or spend some nights in watching movies to get your mind off of it. Luckily, the distance will work to your advantage in this situation because chances are you won’t be running into him/her on campus, at a party, etc. Most of all, be patient with yourself. Moving on after a heartbreak is much easier said than done, and feel free to confide in your friends and loved ones about the way you are feeling. I wish you the best of luck!
Question: Hi Logan! So not too long ago, I was out with a couple friends and my girlfriend having a good time when my friend makes a silly joke asking me about another girl. Totally harmless, pretty stupid. Unfortunately, my girlfriend took it seriously and freaked out in the middle of the streets in public. It was embarrassing. Since then, I don’t know how to talk to her about this incident or if this has implications for our relationship. Help!
Lo: Oh jeeze! I guess for me to truly answer this question, I’d need to know a few more details about what was mentioned in front of your girlfriend. Do you have history with the girl your friend made a joke about? If so, I understand why your girlfriend may have reacted the way she did…sort of. Even if it was upsetting to her, I think there was probably a better way to have gone about addressing it to you in a calm, collected (not to mention, private) manner. It sounds like you two may have some things to talk about that are a little deeper than this one incident. It’s clear that the situation really upset you, and that you’re itching to talk to her about it. If the girl that was brought up has no meaning to you at all and it truly was just a silly joke made by your friend, definitely make that clear to your girlfriend. Reassure her that she is the only girl you care about, and that she has nothing to worry about. From a female perspective, it’s not a pleasant experience hearing your boyfriend talk about another girl in any respect. She wouldn’t have reacted that way if she didn’t truly care about you. I think your relationship can definitely move on from this, but only if you address it. Good luck!
Question: Hi girl, I had a lot of friends in the same fraternity when I started freshman year. We had great memories and I was a “regular” in their house. Come sophomore year, the invites came less until I finally heard them talking smash. Some of the guys are normal to me when we’re in class or hanging out alone but couldn’t give me the time of day if their new girl friends or their bros are around. Am I crazy for trying to salvage friendships going into junior year or should I just cut them all together?
Lo: Hi! You are totally not crazy! I know sometimes we don’t always stay friends with the people we met freshman year, but it sounds to me like you really hit it off with these guys and value you their friendship, and I don’t blame you for not wanting those friendships to end. As I said in the beginning, being honest and transparent is the best way to handle any relationship, romantic or otherwise. I would tell them the way you’re feeling, and ask if there’s anything that happened to make them act that way towards you. It’s possible that they may not even realize that they’re doing it. My best advice is to address it with them directly, and go from there!
XOXO,
Lo
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