Yoncé
What does loving Beyoncé say about you? Nothing. Absolutely Nothing. According to a study out the calculator on my phone, 10/10 people would describe themselves a Moderately, Somewhat Strongly or Very Strongly Beyhivers. Even your Republican dad is in the Beyhive. Liking Beyoncé tells me that you’re human and little else. Nevermind: Autocorrect just red-squiggled Beyoncé’s name, and I thought, Wow, how truly ignorant. The year is 2015. How could Microsoft Word not know who Beyoncé is? But quickly I realized it wasn’t suggesting the word “Beyoncé” didn’t exist, it was suggesting it was a name and I had misspelled it. I had so foolishly left out the accent like some sort of illiterate Neanderthal. So, now I have to retract my former statement that liking Beyoncé makes you human. It doesn’t. The already enormous spectrum that the Beyhive covers now includes word processing programs. But because you clicked on the link, I’ll do my best to provide some vague insight into your identity.
If you love Bey, you’ll remember that one time she just sat in a chair for half of a “Drunk in Love” performance and everybody, myself included, pretended like it was revolutionary. It was your run of the mill black chair, like whatever, what’s the big deal here? But we’d all still rather be that chair than live another day as ourselves #selflove. The moral here? Be yourself, unless you have the option of being Beyoncé’s chair. Then you know what to do. That chair wouldn’t be reading “what your fav pop princess says about you” articles because that chair knows its place in life. Underneath Beyoncé.
My point is, you’re so cool that the things you do become relevant just for having been associated with you. Beyoncé’s whole life is an army-pants-and-flip-flops moment. We have an inkling yours is too. You’re versatile and passionate. You’re an empowered and empowering individual, who works tirelessly for all seventy of the goals you’re currently committed to, yet there you are still making time to drink watermelon. HC Temple commends you. Flawless. Ladies, (and dads, and word processing programs). Tell ‘em. You flawless.
Gaga
I’ll start off by saying I’m sorry that middle school was so hard for you. I’m kidding. Sort of. I spoke with Shawn O’Malley, Monster in both the relative and non-relative sense, and the interaction was a true testament to the admiration (read: cult-like devotion) of Gaga’s fans.
“Do you love gaga or nah?”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTJoH-xBCxQ&app=deskto
And I mean, literally, Shawn answered almost instantaneously with a URL address and no other information. It was as if he had this link on-call for this exact situation. Truly a frightening concept. The link leads to a video of Gaga fans who are all echoing “YAS” as she enters a building in New York City and it’s just so many layers of terrifying. I think it’s supposed to be.
So considering this, here’s the low-down on Gaga fans:
You’re weird and you know it, but you embrace it and we all love you for it. You’re edgy, like so edgy you would wear a dress that that covers your face ‘cause you’re just over the whole head-neck-shoulder thing everybody’s doing. You don’t care what people think of you. So sometimes you show up to parties in a human sized egg, so what? It’s called a metaphor. Ever heard of it?
You’ve given new meaning to “IDGAF”. You would do anything to preserve individuality because you value self-awareness, self-love and experimentation. You’re never the type of person to struggle with an outfit. Not only because you have an endless wardrobe but also because worse-case-scenario you could always just throw some meat on and run out the door like that. You look good in almost anything. Even panchos… made of ex-lovers.
Miley, What’s Good?
If you’re a Miley fan now, you probably always have been and just can’t let go.
I don’t think I’m speaking out of line when I say that Miles hasn’t gained a lot of fans since she started spelling you like yew un-ironically, or cried about the passing of her blowfish Pablow (2015-2015) during a live performance. I feel justified saying this because searching “Miley” on Tumblr and just gazing for an unidentified amount of time, hours even, has become a frequented element in my daily routine. Often I scroll so far down that pictures of her and Liam long-boarding together come up and I begin to violently weep. I bet this sounds a lot like you.
If you agree with the following statements then you’re no doubt a Smiler.
1. Miley’s backyard sessions are the best thing to happen in modern art and basically the free, natural world.
2. The 2014 VMA’s literally wasn’t a big a deal at all. Care about better things, people.
Actual PETscan of Miley Cyrus’ brain in its current state:Being a Miley fan is like being told all the embarrassing things you did in a black out. You’ll cringe and say “I’m never drinking again”, even though you don’t mean it. I too ask “wtf is she doing” as I scroll through her insta, but it doesn’t mean I’m going to unfollow. I would never do that to you, Miles.
So, here’s what being a loyal Smiler says about you:
You don’t know who you are yet and that’s okay, because, ahem, it’s the mf’ing climb. You’ve gone through umpteen phases because you don’t want to settle for being anybody, you want to figure out who you fully are. You’re expressive, honest and loud. Sometimes you’re too impressionable. You love animals, funny people and good music. There’s no thesis statement for who you are. You’re in constant state of change, so you wrote off the assumptions of people who just don’t get it. (#forget #the #haters #cause #somebody LOVES YA).
Lana
Being a “Gangster”, requires being incredibly cryptic. It also requires, for whatever reason, cola drinks like Pepsi and Coke to be a huge part of your identity. Don’t ask questions, just make your life one big product placement scheme. I want to say you’re an old soul, but I think that’s just because every picture you’ve ever posted is in Sepia or, like, Toaster. Like honestly, Toaster? That’s ballsy. Everybody probably thinks you’re shy but that’s just you not g.a.f. in such a casual way that it goes undetected. Hot art freaks (of the James Franco variety) are obsessed with you because you’re deep and cynical without compromising the full mysteriousness that defines you. You’ve made being overtly shallow and materialistic a deep thing, and… um, how did you do that? We don’t know because we don’t know a lot about you. Here’s what we do know: Your Tumblr page is dope. You’re follower-to-following ratio on social media is probably like 1,000:1 because, again, you’re just so casual. You don’t look stupid in flower crowns and men’s XL jackets: tell us your secret. Weed, Pepsi and sex are all big themes in your life, congrats. You broke down social barriers when you made Toaster relevant, a feat nobody thought possible. And, finally, your pout is to die for. I honestly don’t know what you’re doing or why it’s so cool but keep doing it because you’re confusing the shit out of everybody.
Taylor
I can’t imagine many of us remember a life without Taylor Swift. She’s given us music that has taught young women how to be an entire human, prominently through the lense of falling in and out of love. But Taylor Swift isn’t Taylor Swift because she’s been in a string of (like fifteen, at least) highly publicized relationships. She’s Taylor Swift because she can take a relationship and turn it into a four minute song that still makes you feel a years worth of experience. That’s not a broken, whiney girl. That’s a person with talent, backbone and an instinct for what sounds and words can make a memory. She makes feeling like shit after being dumped a sonic elysium. I doubt my experience growing up with her music is very far from yours. The first time I heard Taylor Swift was on New Years Eve some odd year in Elementary school. She sang “Tear Drops on My Guitar” and it was it was that special brand of heartbreak song that makes the feeling truly tangible. The late-00’s middle school experience can be summed up by juicy velour jump suits, the term “biffle” and Taylor Swift’s Fearless album. When high school came around, I made it a point to take a deep breath/ as I walked through the doors/ on the morning of my very first day. Like everybody else, I spent a lot of time when I was 15 thinking that life ended with a boy, but like Tay said, I was going to realize there were bigger things than that. 2010 gifted us with Speak Now and the roast of John Mayer. It didn’t matter if you’d ever had a boyfriend, you’d just been acquainted with your first heartbreak anyway and the message was clear: don’t let anybody treat you like less than you are.
But something changed in the years that followed and the media came to an erratic and unanimous decision to portray her smoke-show extravaganza of a rotation (rock stars, renowned actors, and I don’t know, for fun, let’s just throw an actual Kennedy in there) as anything other than a slam-masterpiece. For sometime, we all yielded to this new image of Taylor Swift, one that said she was America’s Bat-Shit Crazy Ex, and because it was 2013, it was suddenly cool to hate everything and wear thick-rimmed glasses whether they enhanced your vision or not. I’m thankful everyday that chapter in our lives dead & G and we’ve gone back to embracing Tswift’s genius. Plus, most of those guys are on the market. I’m not going to name names, but: Jake Gyllenhaal. Even during this dark period in history, we all still “bought”/Limewire’d the shit out of Red. Tell me when the electric guitar comes in at the end of “All Too Well”, you feel nothing and I’ll set you up with a case-sensitive Captcha test because you’re a computer virus and a compulsive liar.
If you’re a Swiftie, I really want to know why you couldn’t have appointed yourself something less obvious. She basically gave you life. Get it together. Other than this one minor lapse in judgement, you’re a super innovative person. You see everything in a creative light. You’re tougher and smarter than you’ve ever been given enough credit for. You’re not scared to love (even after five studio albums that document every which way it’s ended unfavorably). Your insta is 89% inspirational quotes, and you avidly use Pinterest; probs an eternal optimistic too. You’re all about the YA section at mom and pop book stores, pop pieces like bright lipsticks are your thing and your friends are your number one priority. You’ve turn all the negative angles about being a conventional girl on their side, which is just as influential as defying them. You’re not afraid to feel and show everything you are. Can I say it? I’m gonna say it. You’re happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time. I said it.