The “cool girl” is a tale as old as time in the media and in our own lives. But what is a “cool girl,” who is she, and how may this persona affect how we view ourselves and our relationships?
Essentially, the cool girl doesn’t care. She exists as a go-with-the-flow, ideal image of what men want her to be. She likes what they like, and she doesn’t cause problems. The cool girl is a tamed girl. An example of this can be seen in the Gone Girl monologue: “Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want.” Sound familiar?
In one way or another, we have all reflected the cool girl. Remember that phase in elementary school where you claimed you hated pink? Cool girl. Only now, your college-year, twenty-something self nods in silence while a guy scoffs at the fact you listen to someone as “basic” as Taylor Swift, or sends a “no worries!” text back when all you want to do is worry. The cool girl is the nervous nelly nagging our ears off 24/7 to remain calm. Don’t send multiple texts. Don’t be “too much.” The cool girl doesn’t let on that she’s excited, or even hurt. That’s the big problem: when did hiding our true selves and our feelings become “cool?”
Well, it isn’t—and it doesn’t have to be. Building honest and genuine relationships with others shouldn’t mean turning the dimmer on our sparkle to make them more comfortable or interested. It shouldn’t matter if your favorite movie isn’t The Godfather– you should yell “I love Legally Blonde!” from the rooftops. The people you let into your inner circle don’t have to like everything that you like. They just need to respect them and appreciate you for who you are.
Plus, if your interests are an actual problem for them, they’re not the one for you, and that’s okay. Making yourself digestible to someone else’s palate only sets you up with the wrong people and hurts your happiness in the long run. If you get the gut feeling that you aren’t clicking, your sense of self feels restricted around them, or your values are being compromised, you may need to evaluate whether you want to continue seeing this person or not.
At the end of the day, humans are complex. We all value different things and have different communication styles. Differences in these areas may cause some friction with potential partners. The problem is, when we are so caught up in being the “cool girl,” we don’t feel comfortable expressing these concerns. You may feel like you are “asking for too much,” or that you’ll scare them away.
If someone is so easily scared off by talking about their feelings, they probably lack the maturity and emotional intelligence to be in a relationship in the first place. In the song “Casual” by Chappell Roan, Roan sings, “…and I try to be the chill girl that holds her tongue and gives you space. I try to be the chill girl, but honestly, I’m not.” Pro tip: don’t ignore your own personal values in order to keep someone else happy. Relationships are a lot of work, but they aren’t your entry-level 9-to-5 job: you can’t fake it till you make it.
So, how do we redefine the cool girl?
Center yourself around your values
Make a mental note (or a physical one) of what’s important to you. For example, you may say, “I value my independence, my education, and my sense of humor.” Having a clear understanding of your values helps you determine what you want in a partner.
Be confident in your values and who you are
Don’t be afraid to let your goofy side show or talk about your passions. Your authenticity is powerful, so don’t shy away from it. Why would you want to date someone who doesn’t think you’re funny, anyway?
Acknowledge and stick up for your boundaries
Understanding your personal values, and empowering yourself through them, lays the groundwork to build healthy boundaries with yourself and others. I saw a TikTok once that said, “the only people who are upset at you having boundaries are those who benefit from you having none at all.” The right people will respect the boundaries you build with them.
Don’t hide how you feel
The redefined cool girl is open about how she feels. If someone’s behavior doesn’t fly with you, call them out on it. If you’re feeling confused about someone’s intentions with you, ask them to clarify. This new cool girl knows what she wants and doesn’t give too much of herself away to people who aren’t matching her energy.
Know when to walk away
Cool girls don’t put up with sh*t. That doesn’t mean they don’t feel hurt when a guy doesn’t text back or says something rude, but they aren’t going to chase or tolerate it either. Know when it’s time to cut your losses and walk away—because if he wanted to, he would’ve.
Harness your newfound cool girl powers
You’re like a 21st-century Wonder Woman. Once you realize your worth and don’t let anybody snuff out your spark, you are truly unstoppable. Here’s to the cool girls who are unapologetically themselves. Here’s to you.