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The Groundhog Saw His G*d-Damn Shadow, Again

Six more weeks of winter, and we have an abnormally large rodent to blame for it. By which I am referring to Punxsutawney Phil, America's only (and I quote) "official rodent meteorologist" (NJ Real-Time News) and not, surprisingly, shading a particularly squirrely member of the White House.

In case you weren't up to watch Phil's live broadcast starting at 6 a.m. this morning, (please explain why not?) I'll make it known that my man wallowed in his fame for an approx. hour and a half before giving his shadow the stink-eye and mumbling to an old guy in a top hat, "hey bro, let's tell them I saw it again and see what happens."  

Ok, fine, that's not exactly how it went down. But to be fair, Phil only communicates to his "inner circle" in the language of "Groundhogese," (which seems like the type of language a third grader would create to one-up Pig Latin,) so I've got nothing.

But like, thank god the "inner circle" is fluent in "Groundhogese," or we'd be stuck relying on our iWeather apps to forecast the rest of the semester. (Ugh.)

Still, six more weeks of winter doesn't sound that lit to me, so I'm banking on this system being (slightly?) corrupt.

Here's why:

For one, Newsweek reports that Punxsutawney Phil only predicts the weather correctly 20% of the time. He's been doing this for oh, I don't know, 132 years, and can't even pull off a "C's get degrees" confidence level. Who hired this guy?

Also of note is that Phil lives with his wife, Phyllis, and, for some reason, it hasn't crossed anyone's mind to let her have a shot at the meteorology. Literally, where does the line end for discriminating against women in the workplace? I'm for #Phyllis2019  

Third, let's talk about this "inner circle." I'm not sure if they seem more like an off-campus fraternity or a cult, but regardless, there's something off about these guys. The "inner circle" is a group of 15 pasty white men who say things like "If I wasn't working on Groundhog Day activities, I'd be working on Groundhog Day activities," "snow is beautiful through a picture window," and "rain, sleet, snow or shine; whatever Phil says I'll be fine!"

You know what, I'm just gonna leave it with that.

The expert has spoken. But, pardon my French (or should I say, Groundhogese), if I'm not so damn quick to believe him. The good news for Temple students, however, is that our Spring break is only four weeks away, regardless of Phil's prediction.

 

Student journalist at Temple Univerisity with a love for health, humanity and story-telling. Check out my bylines on Philly.com, College Fashionista and The Temple News.
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