Oh, Applebee’s Neighborhood Grill and Bar, for what do we owe the pleasure of your existence? How would any suburban town in the tri-state area spend its weekends without your greasy quesadilla burgers, drunken karaoke, or Sangria Saturdays?
Applebee’s is the Mecca, the Holy Land if you will, of Smalltown USA. From its overcrowded parking lots, to its sticky booth seats, Applebee’s truly has something for everyone. With so many pleasantries to offer, it’s no wonder why there is no limit to the individuals you will see there, from the kid that tried to feel you up on the busride to the Franklin Institute in seventh grade, to your favorite cashier from the neighborhood Hobby Lobby, Irv.
Applebee’s is the one place where everyone is equal, where the president of the high school cheerleading booster club can sit in solidarity with the socially-awkward Walmart greeter with three fingers over a plate of nachos. And it’s okay, and honestly, kind of beautiful.
1. Your Recently-Divorced Sophomore Year English Teacher
Much like the tragedy of Romeo and Juliet, some relationships just aren’t built to last. The same can be said for mail-order brides. Sorry Mr. Smith, I’m sure you’ll find someone else. For now, enjoy that chocolate lava cake sundae. At least you don’t have to share.
2. The Janitor Who Was Also a Referee At All the High School Basketball Games
Believe it or not, Gary the Janitor, or as he says, “Sanitation Consultant” is more than just a thick beard and a monster with a broom. He also sings a mean karaoke, and has headlined Karaoke Monday for the past 15 years with “Don’t Stop Believin.’” Don’t quit your daydream, kids.
3. The Group of Graduated Football Players Who Attend Community College Together
Nothing says “high school never ends” quite like these douchebags. While everyone else has moved on to universities or the military, these kids spend their weekends playing Call of Duty in their parents’ basements, and of course, hogging the corner table at Applebee’s. Go twirl your dicks in circles somewhere else, Chet, Ben, Drew, Derek, and Nick.
4. Your High School Ex-Boyfriend Who Cheated On You While Visiting A Christian College
I knew something was off when he stopped waiting for me at my locker after lunch. Since high school, he returns home often to help lead his mega church’s youth group, and to send unsolicited photos of his dick to girls on Tinder under a fake name. Enjoy your warm pretzel sticks, asshole.
5. Your Avon Lady
She may give you the cold shoulder out in public, but she makes up for it by selling you your SuperShock gel eyeliner and Night Musk Perfumed Skin Softener for a hot price. She’s a nice lady, so you can look past the tattoo of Betty Boop on her calf.
6. The Family With The Stick Figure Stickers On Their Honda Odyssey
These. Mother. F******. This is the family that takes Christmas too seriously, that shows up at half-apps and orders real entrees, and always hosts the students from Botswana through the school district exchange program. The wife of this family is always the worst. Let me tell you something Cheryl, your husband is cheating on you with the babysitter which is why he won’t look at you when you make love.
With an illustrious crew like this, how could you not drive your shitty pre-owned Honda Civic to the shopping center and park your ass in a booth with all your friends from high school? Applebee’s may not always have it together, but the eating’s always good in the neighborhood.