Well, seeing as my boyfriend forgot to visit, speak to, or acknowledge my existence in anyway since we fell in love through my TV screen this summer—I have to agree. Dean, you do suck at dating.
ICYMI, Dean Unglert, ultimate dreamboat from ABC’s The Bachelorette and Bachelor in Paradise, released the first episode of his iHeartRadio podcast, “Help! I Suck at Dating!” Monday evening. The podcast aims to answer the question of why Dean has been so unsuccessful in his dating endeavors, with specific regards to a love triangle between himself, Kristina Schulman and Danielle Lombard on Bachelor in Paradise this season. After uncovering why he’s so hopelessly loveless, Unglert hopes to learn how to be more successful going forward.
After episode one, I have sincere doubts about the longevity of this podcast.
To put it simply: there’s a reason why novels don’t give away the ending in the first chapter — no one would finish the story. In Dean’s case, the why question has been totally answered in episode one of the podcast. I can clearly see why Dean sucks at dating. This man is scared of commitment, chuckles at the words “fuck boy,” and describes his ideal soul mate as someone who doesn’t argue with him or require him to sacrifice anything for her wellbeing. I’m trying to think of someone who fits this ideal, and I really can’t. I was going to say a puppy, but obviously sacrifice is involved in that relationship. Maybe a maid, but she’s bound to argue sometimes. Screw it. You’re beat, Dean. And, that’s before he starts comparing his exes to different colored t-shirts—we’ll get to that later.
We’ll start off by discussing the teaser episodes. These are short and sweet (unlike the full episode, sadly). I highly recommend listening to them if you’re looking for a helpful comparison to how the fuck boy you are currently crying over got to be the way he is — Sorry Dean, honey.
Teaser 1: Dean tells us about his worst date ever. Worst. Date. Ever. (Repeat for emphasis). Dean and his date order Chinese and he ends up getting food poisoning. The sickness is terrible. The date isn’t. The girl basically holds his hair back while he throws up. She asks him if he’s okay. She lets him stay the night. He even gets a second date. Actually, they talk for a decent bit longer. He runs away from a girl who is obviously hot and tolerates the smell of vomit.
Teaser 2: Dean confronts Kristina. For those who don’t know, Dean dated two women on Bachelor in Paradise this season: Kristina Schulman and Danielle Lombard. He dated Kristina first, but they had some arguments — and, as mentioned above, arguments are a red flag for Dean. Besides, D-Lo is hot. Dean questions Kristina about why he is bad at dating, to which she answers that he is not open or honest. He then cuts to the chase and asks her if he is a good kisser, specifically requesting her to rate his kissing skills on a scale of 1-10. She says “3,” then giggles and changes her answer to “9.” Haha, cute. Looks like Kristina hasn’t learned her lesson yet.
Next, the actual podcast starts. Dean takes some calls to help him figure out why he is so bad at dating. He’s still confused. He even calls up his first kiss—Zoe from Denver—and they joke about how they used to make out in the movie theaters at age twelve. When I was twelve, I put more thought into selecting my color of braces for the month than messing around with someone else’s tongue, but that’s another story. Before she hangs up, Zoe tells Dean that she’s single and he replies, “Maybe we’ll come full circle and reunite later in life.” V smooth.
Now is the time in the episode where Dean speaks to a dating expert. He announces he will speak to a new expert each episode, which gives me more doubts about how long this series will last. Monday’s expert is Rachel Dealto, a relationship counselor on the show Married at First Sight, which is also skeptical. Then again, Dean is from BIP. So, never mind.
Dealto asks Dean if he knows what he’s looking for in a relationship. She paints a picture of shopping for a blue t-shirt to demonstrate that it’s important to know what you’re looking for—when shopping at Walmart ,or wandering through the dating world (which, apparently, are very similar activities).
Dean’s response: “Is it possible to go in and buy two shirts?” He wants a red one too. Red shirts are cute. So is Danielle.
Dealto ultimately decides that it’s okay to buy both shirts, insofar as both shirts know that they are being bought together. Dean can be a fuck boy, but only if he dates a fuck girl. Besides, she admits that not all love lasts forever.
Dealto—“Maybe one [shirt] gets a hole in it, and you throw it out.”
I’m picturing Dealto chewing a hole through her jaw at this point. I have a feeling she’s lost about half her female clients.
Before leaving, she concludes that even though he sucks at dating, Dean is still a great guy because he loves puppies. True.
There are a few more callers. Dean and a girl connect on how good they are at ignoring other people’s text messages. There are so many ways to get around read-receipt, it’s incredible. They’re like professional cheaters. This is also an excruciating part because the girl’s voice sounds like that of someone who spilled her drink on me at a party and was too drunk to help clean it up. Dean’s voice is rather dizzying as well.
Which brings me to my final point—why is this a podcast? As a journalism major, I’ve heard my share of spiels regarding the importance of matching the right medium with your subject matter. Girls aren’t swooning over your giggly voice, Dean. In fact, your redeeming qualities have all about expired. Take off your shirt and step in front of a camera.