Waking up each morning, body aching as if the flu had consumed it overnight, embarrassed even to shower knowing that properly washing herself takes almost all of the energy she has, this 21-year-old girl was helpless. Her addiction to food and the comfort it provided for her at some point in her life lead to a downward spiral that would eventually force her to make a change before the anticipation that something truly terrible would happen came true. At nearly 260 pounds, Hannah knew exactly where her faults showed, and so did everyone else.
The intense pull inside her blindly leads her to the fridge in search of anything she can get her hands on that would satisfy the urge. Maybe it was not so much the urge driving that freight train, but instead a search for relief from some sort of continued sadness for herself and her situation. Deep down she knew this, that it added to her overall sense of sadness, and her own self pity made her hate herself even more. This made her want to eat more, and so she did.
Sitting down to a meal for ten at a table for one, she would eat until essentially feeing drunk. Full and doused in a haze of salt, sugar, grease and an unbelievably large amount of liquids, Hannah would stumble as best she could to her bed to hide from what she had just done, hoping to fall asleep before the guilt and anxiety completely took over.
This problem is all too familiar for adults in America, and it can lead to many issues beyond the physical health restrictions. From the National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey it is shown that “more than 2 in 3 adults are considered to be overweight or obese,” but all Hannah saw was her own obesity through a distorted view of the world around her causing something inside of her to switch.
The enthralling woes of obesity stretched beyond physical health as her obesity dipped into her mind and slowly changed the way her eyes perceived herself and the world around her.
Constant negative thinking and a hatred towards herself and her body led her to a road lined with depression and anxiety and plotted with instances of self destruction, another journey all too familiar for those struggling with their weight. A study done shows that people over the age of 20 who are suffering from obesity are at a higher risk of “having depression later [in life.]”
The ugly cycle that is depression sets in, causing Hannah to not want to, and in fact be terrified to exercise because of not only her excess weight, but also the mental strains that depression and anxiety put on the psyche. Hannah’s very low level of activity adds to her depression, furthering her fear, which is fueled by anxiety. This leads to continued weight gain, which once again adds to this hellish cycle burdening many people in our society.
In spite of her depression, she continued to eat, fueled her addiction, the related symptoms and consequences, and continuously added more distortions to the way she perceived the world. These distortions overwhelmed her like water rising around her in a tank, and it was rising quickly, it was nearing the top and she needed to escape.
A little bit here, she thought, a little bit there, she wondered, “Some Adderall to give me energy and confidence, some Xanax to calm me down and make sure I sleep through the night and a lot of weed just to get through the day.” She knew it went beyond that, though, just as her obesity did. Even in her constant haze, she knew this, too, was now dipping into her mind, violating her thoughts and insecurities and constantly using them against her.
Just as she used food for comfort, she was now using drugs as an escape from the nightmare she had turned into a reality for herself, an occurrence happening more often than we may realize.
The Anxiety and Depression Association of America states, “having both [obesity and substance problems] can be a vicious cycle. The symptoms of one disorder can make the symptoms another worse; an anxiety disorder may lead to using alcohol or other substances to self-medicate or alleviate anxiety symptoms.”
Additionally, an article by an organization entitled Dual Diagnosis states that “many depressed individuals reach for drugs or alcohol as a way to lift their spirits or to numb painful thoughts. As a result, depression and substance abuse feed into each other, and one condition will often make the other worse.”
These depressive and addiction based habits can themselves lead to obesity. American Psychological Association states, “Binge eating, a behavior associated with both obesity and other conditions such as anorexia nervosa, is also a symptom of depression. A study of obese people with binge eating problems found that 51 percent also had a history of major depression.”
These factors working separately are very dangerous, but when combined are deadly. It is important to understand how they interact, the cause and effect nature of their dynamics and the cycle that dynamic creates. By understanding these factors, awareness on a grander scale can be achieved possibly making way for new and innovative treatments, resources and education.
With treatment plans, a lot of help from her family and friends, and a ton of body positive thinking and practices, Hannah can look back, about 100 pounds lighter, on this experience as one that changed her life for the better. More importantly she wants people to use this story to stay positive about their own situation and know that they, too, can come out on the other side a more happy and confident human being.
“By the time I had lost about 75 pounds, my skin began to hang on my arms. I remember wearing a sleeveless shirt and feeling wonderful about the fact that I felt comfortable showing my arms, only to have someone come up to me unannounced to tell me that I needed to tone up before wearing a shirt like that,” the experience took her off guard at first, but she was not going to let anything take away from how she felt about her body.
“We should not be ashamed of our bodies, but instead we should love and take care of them. The same goes for matters of the mind, if we nourish ourselves with love instead of hate, we can accomplish so much more.”