I’ve never been the person who is afraid of spending time alone. Rotting in my room by myself while doomscrolling through my own Pinterest boards? Yeah, that’s my ideal kind of Friday night.
However, college is a completely different ballgame. It’s where I became painfully aware of the fact that I was eating alone. I wondered if other people noticed, if I looked awkward, or — worst-case scenario — if everyone around me assumed I had no friends.
Nowadays, voluntarily wandering around a grocery store for an unreasonable amount of time without having to ask anyone, “When are you free again?” might be one of my favorite luxuries.
WHY BEING ALONE INITIALLY FEELS AWKWARD
Being alone initially feels awkward because we automatically associate doing tasks alone with loneliness. College makes this especially noticeable because you’re constantly surrounded by people at all times, from roommates, classmates, friends, to people in the dining hall. It creates this “expectation” that if you’re doing anything to unwind, someone needs to be doing it with you.
College tends to highlight the fact that everyone has a group, but in reality, those people who seemingly are always in a group also experience this weird sense of loneliness and are in the same boat as you.
Just two semesters ago, going into the rec center by myself felt like having a billboard on my back saying, “Look at this girl, she’s by herself at the gym because she has no friends!” Did I put on a tough act to convince myself to “fake it til I make it?” Yes, I did. Did I only spend an hour max in the gym because I was conscious of everyone looking at me even though they weren’t? Yes, I did. But eventually, this so-called “tough act” came to fruition.
THE MOMENT IT STOPPED BEING AWKWARD
I honestly didn’t realize that I slowly became comfortable with doing mundane tasks alone right away. I only started to notice it as I stood in Kroger by myself, basket in hand, smiling in the snack aisle. I wasn’t thinking about the fact that I was alone; instead, I was debating whether I should get Drizzilicious and Hot Cheetos or just a box of Rice Krispie Treats.
This idea of solo dates or “solo-maxxing,” as I like to call it, quickly became something of a hobby of mine. On the weekends, I walk to Starbucks by myself and sit in a corner booth at exactly 9:00 am with my Venti Iced Shaken Espresso (Blonde Espresso, of course) in hand. I study or work on assignments alone, and as soon as it hits 12:30 pm, I go to the dining hall for lunch. I people-watch while eating before moseying my way over to the library for more studying with breaks of Instagram or Pinterest scrolling in between.
It didn’t hit me on the head magically one day, and no one grabbed me by the shoulders to let me know. I just started to enjoy loneliness and honestly, became friends with loneliness.
WHY I CALL IT LUXURIOUS
So why is solo-maxxing so luxurious? I have nowhere to be and no one to accommodate, and I have complete control over how I spend my time. At a certain point, it’s not about the concept of being alone: it’s about having complete ownership over your own time.
There’s something indulgent about having two hours where nobody else’s preferences matter except your own. You don’t have to compromise on what to eat, you don’t have to sift through each other’s Google Calendars to discover that this week actually doesn’t work out. You don’t have to rush. You don’t make conversation. You don’t have to entertain anyone.
You can literally think, I want an iced Berry Chantilly Matcha from Whole Foods and then I want to spend 40 minutes looking at things I have absolutely no intention of buying, and that’s the itinerary, no questions asked.
Through solo-maxxing, you don’t suddenly have to become the hyper-independent “I don’t need anybody” girl. You can love spending time with others and also enjoy doing things by yourself.
If anything, enjoying your own company takes the pressure off of relationships. You don’t have to wait until somebody is available to experience something you want. Just go and experience it yourself. I’ve stopped treating other people’s availability as permission to make plans with myself, and so should you.