It’s 2022, and the internet is abuzz with celebrity gossip. Leonardo DiCaprio can’t keep a girlfriend over 25. Emily Ratajkowski’s husband cheated on her. Adam Levine cheated on his supermodel wife—and without bothering to add even a crumb of discretion.
Each time we hear about one of these scandals, we pose the same question. “Why her?” We ask this question because we all make the same assumption: men have no reason to cheat on beautiful women. “But she’s a Victoria’s Secret model! She’s so effortless and cool,” the argument goes.
There’s a problem with this thought process, and I think Amy Dunne’s “Cool Girl Monologue” sums it up perfectly. (If you’re not familiar with David Fincher’s 2014 psychological thriller Gone Girl, you can find the scene I’m referring to on YouTube.)
Amy Dunne molded herself into the perfect woman: the quintessential “Cool Girl” who seduces the man of her dreams and settles down for happily ever after. Sadly, her dream life crumbles when her husband finds “a newer, younger, bouncier Cool Girl.”
Now, it’s important to note that what Amy does next is not the point of this article. We all know that framing someone for your murder is not a mature or morally sound method of conflict resolution. But Amy does have a point, and it’s as culturally relevant as ever.
She’s fed up with the toxic standards we impose on women—with the idea that you can earn love by being the ultimate Cool Girl. “Cool Girl is game. Cool Girl is fun. Cool Girl never gets angry at her man… She likes what he likes,” she says half-mockingly, half-mourning the death of her flawlessly manicured persona. She’s discovered a startling reality—the same one we’re pondering when we ask, “Why her?” It’s the reality that it has nothing to do with beauty, and it has nothing to do with being “cool.”
Men don’t cheat because their supermodel wife isn’t as hot or cool as the other models. Cheating is wrong, but it’s not personal. When we drop our jaws in astonishment each time a beautiful celebrity woman gets cheated on, we’re perpetuating a dangerous idea. We’re implying that it’s somehow her fault. We look at Blake Lively and breathe a sigh of relief that Ryan Reynolds has been faithful… because that means there’s still hope. But this is a distorted hope because it hinges on the misconception that, If you can manage to look forever young and perpetually glamorous, and do so without looking like you tried, you have the key to the fairytale.
Here is the truth. Love is real. Not all men are cheaters. Cheating has nothing to do with you or her or how much bouncier and cooler she is. People who cheat do so because they have unresolved issues of their own. As women, we need to make it a point to stop with the comparisons. We’re constantly measuring our identities against unattainable internet ideals… hoping that, if we can neatly wedge ourselves into the right Brand, we’ll be good enough.
You’re good enough as you are. You can have all the designer merchandise, Instagram followers, and “It Girl” Magnetism in the world, and it will have no bearing on how worthy you are of being loved. You can curate your social media feed all you want, but don’t curate your identity to fit into the mold of what you think some guy’s dream girl looks like. Take Margot Robbie for example. She exists in the minds of millions of men, scantily clad in a pink dress and pointed heels. This isn’t the real Margot; it’s a caricature of a Dream Girl. The real Margot is gorgeous, but she’s obsessed with Harry Potter, and her favorite band is Electric Light Orchestra. She’s multi-faceted and human, like the rest of us. She nerds out over wizards and listens to oldies.
Don’t abandon the things that make you unique in hopes of being special. There is so much beauty in diversity—diversity of body types, fashion choices, music tastes, and hobbies. All the parts of yourself you worry are weird, your quirks and idiosyncrasies, add so much value to the world. Tap into your true self because that’s what makes you beautiful, cool, worthy, and loveable.