We’ve all been in that situation.
Your friend shoots you a text. Something awful has happened in their life, and you have no idea what to say. You want to give them the support that will help them, but you don’t have personal experience with what they’re dealing with. Maybe, on the other hand, you do, but you’re simply not sure how to help.
Fear not, for this is your ultimate guide to emotionally supporting your friends!
Are they your friends in the first place?
From age 12-14, I was trapped in a very toxic friendship. After having a crush on me, the person I was friends with moved on and started distancing themselves from me. We weren’t as close of friends, and they weren’t there for me when I needed them. Yet, they absolutely lost it whenever I didn’t fulfill their emotional needs when they wanted to rant to me.
There is a very important distinction between setting boundaries and being the toxic, “good-vibes” only friend who isn’t there for others. If you want meaningful friendships, you can’t sacrifice your mental health to help others. You also can’t refuse to deal with negative things because that’s not true friendship.
If you have someone in your life that you get an “ick” feeling about whenever they come to you for support, here are some questions to ask yourself:
- Why is this person coming to me for support? Are they getting support from somewhere else or just relying on me?
- Do I feel comfortable coming to this person for support? Have I come to this person for support in the past?
- If I have come to them, have they supported me? Did I feel better or worse after coming out of those conversations?
- Are they coming to me for support over meaningful things, or are they just complaining over meaningless drama?
- How do they react to my support? Are they looking for my advice, or do they expect me to just listen and nod my head all of the time?
If you realize that the person hasn’t supported you but expects you to support them, that can be a good indication that they’re not really your friend. Set your boundaries and make sure that there is give-and-take; anyone who asks you to support them should be there to support you.
What kind of support should you give?
So, you’ve determined that your friend is worth supporting, and you want to help them. One of the biggest mistakes people make when providing emotional support is giving unsolicited advice. If your friend is in a situation where it is important, for their mental or physical safety, that they make certain choices (i.e., if they’re in a toxic relationship), then giving unsolicited advice is warranted. Oftentimes, though, for issues that have already occurred or are ongoing, less urgent problems, some people don’t want advice. They just want to talk. And friends who always try to insert their opinions become annoying quickly.
What’s the best way to figure out what type of support to give? It’s very easy – just ask. Questions like “Are you looking for advice, or do you just want to talk?” allow the person to let you know what they need. Phrasing is important, though; questions like “Do you want my advice, or no?” can come off a little pushy and judgmental. When giving non-urgent advice, you should likely phrase it as a suggestion so your friend doesn’t feel like you’re telling them what to do rather than advising them.
If you don’t feel qualified to give advice, you can always stick to being there for them. Bad advice is worse than no advice. If a person asks you for advice that you don’t feel like you can give, there is no shame in telling them that. You don’t have a responsibility or an obligation to know all the answers.
How can you simply be there for someone?
It’s important to validate your friend’s emotions. In situations where another person is involved, chances are that your friend is feeling insecure about their feelings. Be sure to listen and react appropriately; if you get distracted while they’re talking or don’t respond, they’ll probably take that as a sign that you don’t care, which isn’t great when they’re emotionally vulnerable. Finally, ensure you’re taking care of your own mental health. If a conversation is getting too heavy, and you don’t feel like you can handle it, wrap things up discretely. You are entitled to your own emotions as much as they are entitled to theirs.