Before anyone opens social media to write me a strongly worded paragraph, let me be clear: one person’s celebrity crush is another person’s (especially me) “I don’t get it.” In a culture where we’re constantly told who’s “hot” and who’s “not,” it feels refreshing to admit who doesn’t make me boy crazy. However, I am not denying their success or talent.
I’m simply saying I don’t get it.
At all.
At the top of the pyramid, we have:
1. Henry Cavill
Just no. He feels less like a crush and more like a character designed in a lab for the male gaze: like a luxury watch. Now, I can appreciate what’s expensive and well-crafted, but I feel nothing but forced to “appreciate” him.
2. Jacob Elordi
I have no evidence for what I’m about to say, but he gives off pure evil energy. Maybe he’s perfectly kind, maybe not. The vibes remain mysteriously concerning.
3. Ryan Reynolds
I have evidence for what I’m about to say: he is evil. End of story!
4. Brad Pitt
If there were a hierarchy of evil famous men, he would be holding hands with Ryan Reynolds. He has never done anything for me, even during his “peak” era.
5. Robert Pattinson
He looks vaguely sleep-deprived all the time, which I respect. From Twilight to Batman, I can’t follow the crowd and their feelings with this one. Maybe he can sparkle in a different light.
6. Leonardo dicaprio
I’ve watched Titanic, which means I’ve sat through the whole movie trying to force myself to see what everybody else sees. He’s got great roles, and I think I missed the train on this one. (Fortunately.)
7. Theo James
Have you thought, “Wow, this man is so conventionally attractive that he isn’t attractive”? I have, particularly with this case.
8. Cillian Murphy
Listen.
He has very prominent features that would make me question who’s the beautiful one in the relationship. He has permanent “secretly up to something” eyes with such a reserved character.
9. Timothee chalamet
I know he has an army of passionate fans. I know they’re typing already. But every time I see him, I think of a sickly Victorian boy who is trying to cosplay Johnny Depp’s aesthetic.
10. Johnny Depp
Something about him never clicked for me. Maybe it’s the scarves, maybe it’s the piercings, or maybe… it’s my lifelong fear of Willy Wonka. Whatever the reason, I’ve found him more unsettling than attractive.
11. Jensen Ackles
Gasp!
This opinion would’ve gotten me banned from Tumblr in 2014; the Supernatural fandom may never forgive me. But somebody had to say it.
12. Chris evans
To me, he is the equivalent of steamed rice and boiled chicken.
13. Chris Hemsworth
A plain bagel. An attractive one, perhaps. But a plain bagel at the end of the day.
14. Pedro pascal
This one stings a bit because I understand the appeal. He’s charismatic, he has the personality, he has it all. And even then, I’m a firm fan of his personality, not the worldwide crush.
Final Thoughts
What brought this on? The older I get, the more I realize that attractiveness is the most subjective argument on earth. For every celebrity the internet collectively loses its mind over, someone is sitting in the corner thinking, “Really? That one?”
Today, I am that someone.
And tomorrow, after this article surfaces on the web, it will be me again with thousands of people explaining why I’m wrong.