Dear Freshmen,
Do you smell that? Take a big whiff. That, my friends, is the sweet, sweet smell of freedom. For possibly the first time in your young lives, you have made it out from under the protective, perhaps slightly overbearing, wing of your parents. Finally, you can make your own decisions, proving to everyone that you are the confident, worldly woman that you always knew you were. Your blood rushes and body tingles with the exhilaration of endless opportunities. It’s time to break away from the old you and fly, fly, fly!
Not quite.
You know, I was you once. In fact, pretty much any girl who has ever lived through her freshman year at college has thought these same exact things at some point. Freedom can be intoxicating, and it’s easy to get caught up in the moment, only to wake up the next day and think…S***, I probably shouldn’t have done that. It’s totally normal, but still completely embarrassing. The best part, though? It’s somewhat avoidable.
That’s where I come in. Having survived my freshman year, and spending my sophomore year witnessing “typical freshman behavior” (TFB, from here on out) at parties, I think that I might just be qualified to give you girls some tips that just might make that first weekend back a little bit less mortifying.
1. They warn you about floorcest for a reason.
Floorcest, as your CA’s will undoubtedly tell you during Welcome Week, is the term for hooking up with someone who lives on your floor. In theory, floorcest sounds kind of awesome. How convenient would it be to hook up with someone who literally lives less than five feet away from you? It’s like the fulfillment of my laziest dream. Stop and think, though. Post hookups can be awkward, especially if the word gets out. Do you really want to see your drunken mistake multiple times a day? Or, even worse, do you want to be the floor slut? Every floor has one, but it doesn’t have to be you. Ladies, most of you will be living in the Towers. That gives you 19 other floors full of guys in just these two buildings alone! Go exploring, and leave the guys on your own floor to the other girls. Â
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. Don’t be a target.
It’s usually pretty easy to spot a freshman at a party. She’ll be way too dressed up for a night in a beer-soaked basement, and is usually wearing heels she can’t walk in. Remember that scene in Wedding Crashers when Vince Vaughn spots a girl with a tramp stamp and declares it a “bullseye?” This is your bullseye, girls. It pretty much advertises the fact that you’re a freshman, and makes you a prime target for some of the more douchebaggy guys on campus who see you as an easy mark. The name of the game is blending in; I’m not saying you should try to be a wallflower, just don’t broadcast your inexperience. Plus, stumbling home in heels? Not fun.
3. Don’t be “that girl.”
You all know what it means to be “that girl.” “That girl” is loud, obnoxious, can’t hold her own hair while throwing up, and has hooked up with every guy in at least two frats. She is embarrassing and can’t be taken places. Again, yes, someone has to be her. But that someone does not need to be you. If you know you’re a puker, don’t drink so much. If you know you’re a slutty drunk, well…don’t be. Booze can’t be your excuse more than three times, maximum. After that, you’re not a slutty drunk, you’re just slutty. Table dancing and impromptu strip shows are also a no-no. If you can figure out a way to hold your liquor and your dignity, you should be fine.
And finally…
4. Don’t worry too much about it.
Even if you do all of these things and more, don’t sweat it. We’ve all done it, too.
Good luck,
Shaun Fitzpatrick