Disclaimer: The author has changed/edited all names and parts of the story in order to protect the privacy of those involved.
On the cusp of an intellectual awakening, I awaited the go ahead to share with you, the reader, the inner workings of a day in the life of my best guy friends. Without disappointment, they delivered in full:
When I first arrived at the house, I was immersed into the belly of the eight beasts; and of course, their inability to do dishes without the plates and spoons multiplying. Aside from the Niagara Falls of dirty Tupperware, I began the afternoon with Sean and Marc (20), watching some unintelligible anime content, and in utter honesty, I was not paying attention. 987 episodes, until then I realized they were only on number 7. Tragic, I know.
As the rest of the group slowly started migrating into the living room, the dynamic began to change, and rapid was the energy to which they fed off each other. Of course, to provide spice into the pot- I joined them. By now, you’ve asked yourself what on earth could they be discussing, well here it is:
Online personality tests, how to deal with unwanted erections, girls and their motives, wrestling matches of which to Sean’s dismay, I won, and the ‘romantic’ serenade the group and I received to the tune of Adam Sandler’s “At a Medium Pace.” Of course, although our conversations didn’t end there, the lingering hole in the wall from a previous night was finally patched up before the landlord’s eyes could see. A success? Perhaps. A Hail Mary to salvage their safety deposits? Absolutely.
Ladies, as someone who is a big fan of the hustle of a successful flirting pursuit; I’m here to warn you that they know when you ask them to “walk you to your car” in broad daylight to avoid another group member of the male species because he looked at you funny… is not actually because you want to avoid another group member. Live and learn, live and learn. However, try finding subtle ways to touch their arm, or the classic smile without the murderous, crazy-in-love look. Sources state this will get them thinking about you for the rest of the day- “or when she curses you out in Italian…” (Anthony). Whatever it is, it’s all about confidence.
Upon further enlightenment, Anthony (20), graced me with undesired knowledge of some of the guy’s most infamous uses of speech in our modern world. For you of course, I’ll break down the code.
Thus, as follows: Goose (zero), Ode (too much, overdose), Dude Ranch (too many guys), Jawns (girls), Creature (wack, being weird), Biddies (…girls), and other overly perplexed terms that the Shakespearean linguist tormented me with.
Even more advanced than that of the Urban Dictionary, was the true masterpiece that was the ten-minute chaos of the Rice Purity test, to which Anthony and his catholic school roots provided him with nothing else but a proud scout’s honor of 75.
By the end of the day, I realized that although we’d like to believe they were some complex species from Jupiter (you know the rhyme…), they aren’t. “The boys” are almost just like us, give or take the fact they live in a landfill to which has been fermenting for approximately 100 years. Sending love to all of my guy friends, may your sink finally be empty.