While everyone is caught up in the season of pumpkin spice and the spooky spirit of Halloween, many people don’t realize October is also Queer Awareness Month. So in honor of that, I decided to write about my experience with coming out in college.
When I was first figuring out my sexuality as a young high school freshman, I watched a lot coming out videos on YouTube. There was one piece of wisdom that I still think about after all these years. That is, “no matter what age you are or how long you have been out, you will always need to come out again.” As I’ve gotten older I’ve realize the truth behind the statement.
The first person I came out to as bisexual to was my best friend. She took the news ecstatically and actually came out to me in turn. That gave me the courage to come out to more of my friends, and it turns out a lot of them were queer too and those who weren’t, were still supportive of me. My coming out tour lasted for most of sophomore year, after that I was able to survive high school, comfortable with my sexuality. I was out of the closet and I didn’t have any plans to be in it again any time soon.
However, Welcome Week freshmen year threw me roughly back into the closet. I felt 14 again, censoring myself at every turn, hiding my phone incase someone saw anything “incriminating”, and just generally hiding from the world.
For months I had been dreading coming out to my roommate, what if she suddenly felt uncomfortable around me and changed her mind about dorming together? I had heard so many horror stories of girls being so cruel and assuming just because their roommate was LGBT+ they were predators. So I never told her.
The third night of Welcome Week, I desperately wanted to go to a PRISM (LGBT+ club) interest meeting. It was called find your community night, an evening held in the Brower Student Center, with SBU, MSA, and PRISM. That night my roommate and I were sitting in our room, the meeting was starting soon so I told her I was leaving. She not too surprisingly asked where I was going. I said PRISM, resulting in a blank stare. I followed up by explaining it was the LGBT group, and quickly I blurted out “I’m bisexual.” Not missing a single beat she said “Oh that’s cool have fun.” I smiled and walked out.
As I walked into the Stud, there was a large bustling group of young LGBT+ students. Immediately I felt welcomed as I was ushered in, offered ice cream, and asked to make a name tag. I made my way to a circle of people talking and sat down. Immediately people asked for my name and I was whisked away for a gay evening of ice cream and funny stories.
I was in awe of the PRISM center, I had never been in such a queer positive space before. On the wall hangs a rainbow, a bisexual, a trans, and an asexual pride flag. It’s really funny how just seeing a simple flag could put me at ease instantly, but it did. I strongly suggest every young college gay join their school’s LGBT+ club, especially if you are feeling isolated. PRISM has helped me find a community I know I am safe in.
After that night I had the confidence to come out to all my new college friends. The next night a good number of people from my floor gathered to play a card game in the elevator lobby. As someone was explaining the rules the girl next to me started talking to the people across the room. This girl was a part of my new friend group, so I started listening to what she was saying. “No I think she might be,” she brought her hand up to her face to shield her mouth as if she was sharing a secret and she whispered, “gay.” Then burst into a fit of giggles the way a seven year old does after saying a curse word for the first time. I just stared at her in shock, I hadn’t seen someone so childish since middle school.
Inside a panic sent shockwaves through my body, this girl was obviously at least somewhat homophobic. What if I came out and she somehow got the other girls in our friend group to turn against me. I felt scared to be in my own skin again. It was amazing how quickly my feelings changed. How a simple, stupid act quickly made the room feel dangerous and how suddenly I felt ostracized and alone despite being surrounded by so many people.
Days passed and I sat quietly in my little corner of the closet. When the topic of crushes came up I desperately wanted to mention the cute girl I saw that day. Or tell them about the girl who matched with me on tinder. Sure, I was still able to participate in the talk about the boys, I wasn’t faking anything, but I also wasn’t being entirely me.
So I said screw it, better to find out if they have a problem with who I am now rather than later. So one day at dinner I brought it up casually, and no one blinked an eye. Everyone just nodded, said it was cool and the conversation moved on. I felt almost ridiculous for being so worried in the first place.
My coming out story isn’t full of drama or hardship. I recognize the amount of privilege I have by being in a liberal atmosphere and just by living in the most LGBT+ friendly time period in history. Despite this, it was still difficult for me to work up the courage to come out again.
And that’s because coming out is hard, especially in a new place with people you don’t entirely know. And it’s important to make sure you feel safe coming out, especially if you are away from home. No matter the situation coming out should always be on your terms, and at your pace.