It’s not every day that you meet someone who’s a quarter mixed race. It’s common to know people who are half one race and half another, but it’s not as common to know someone three-quarters one race and one-quarter another. I am one of those people.
Being a quarter mixed makes for an interesting life. I grew up surrounded by Vietnamese food and culture, but if you look at me, you wouldn’t think I’m anything but white. I was always unsure of what to call myself growing up. I didn’t think I could call myself biracial because I wasn’t half and half. I felt like I couldn’t say I was Vietnamese because of how white I looked.
Whenever I would mention my Asian side, I’d get weird responses: everything from “but you don’t look Asian” to “oh, that’s why your eyes are small.” Some people just flat-out denied my heritage. After a while, the odd responses made me want to stay quiet. I got used to hiding my Vietnamese side until college.
When I joined the Vietnamese Student Association at Texas A&M, I got a lot of weird looks. It made me feel very uncomfortable and embarrassed. All I wanted was to learn more about the culture and language, and feel more in touch with that part of me. Instead, I felt like I shouldn’t have even joined. I did eventually make friends after forcing myself out of my shell, but the discomfort has never completely disappeared. Even though I’ve been in VSA for years now, I still get that “what is this white girl doing here” look and it makes me want to crawl back into my shell. It’s a constant struggle; because while I feel internally connected to my Vietnamese side, people just see a white girl on the outside.
I’ve always felt very conflicted because I never felt Vietnamese enough. People have told me that being a quarter doesn’t count. That has always made me confused. A quarter might not be as much as a half, but it is still a large chunk of your identity. I don’t see why I can’t identify as part-Vietnamese. I grew up with the culture: making phở with my mother and grandmother, rolling chả giò by hand, honoring my ancestors, and celebrating Lunar New Year. Even though I can’t speak the language, and I don’t look Vietnamese, the culture is a part of me. Even if it’s just a quarter.
I know racial identity isn’t the biggest issue in the world, but it’s hard to never truly feel like you belong. Even small things, like checking the race box on official paperwork, can be an internal struggle. Balancing multiple cultures and identities isn’t easy, and don’t even get me started on genes. It’s so hard when you don’t look like your other race, or when people can’t tell you’re mixed at all.
Being mixed race can be a real struggle, and it’s one that many of us face. But at the end of the day, no one has the right to tell you what you are. While being mixed has been a huge whirlwind of confusion for me, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I am proud of my entire identity-–white and Asian.