You just clicked on an article called “The Manly Blend.”
What were you expecting? Something like this?
Or maybe a little manly Gaston?
Or manly men in tights?
Well, I hate to get your hopes up, but we are talking about something entirely different today – Trail Mix.
The other day, I headed down to H-E-B to buy some Trail Mix when I came across…
The Manly Blend.
Why is it called The Manly Blend, you ask?
Great question! I have a few theories of my own, so let’s jump right into them.
No fruit
This trail mix is only peanuts, almonds, and pistachios – no fruit. This theory gets a bit complicated, so try to follow me on this. Fruit is sweet, and girls are sweet. Manly men can’t be sweet or else they would be girly, which is not what manly men want. Eating sweet things like fruit makes you sweet, like girls. Since manly men can’t be sweet or girly, then they can’t eat sweet things like fruit. Hence, no fruit for The Manly Blend.
No chocolate
Not only did this Trail Mix have no fruit, it also had no chocolate. What kind of Trail Mix is this, anyway? But, maybe, it doesn’t have chocolate because chocolate is a girly food. We all know you’re supposed to buy a girl chocolate if you like her. I guess manly men don’t like girly chocolate. If I’m being honest though, I feel sorry for these manly men who don’t eat chocolate.
They pumped the nuts with testosterone
I thought this was a pretty good theory, so I decided to test it out myself. Unfortunately, I have to report that this theory is wrong. I ate The Manly Blend for a week, and I didn’t grow a mustache or become super muscular. It was disappointing, but at least, we can mark one of these off of our list.
7g of Protein
Maybe H-E-B is trying to appeal to manly men by advertising 7g of protein per serving and calling it “The Manly Blend.” Obviously, women don’t need protein, so this theory might be right. Plus, we all know a man who loves his protein shakes.
All Trail Mix is Inherently Girly
My last and final theory is that all Trail Mix is inherently girly, and unless you are girly, you shouldn’t eat Trail Mix. I mean, it just makes sense that foods have a gender!
Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you next time when we discuss things that have a gender for no reason!