Her tank was almost completely empty. Despite the flashing signs warning Evelyn that she desperately needed to refuel, she pressed onward. A friend had called, and it was her duty to help. It wasn’t that the warning signs went unnoticed. They were blatantly obvious; her stomach rumbled, her hair was unkempt. Her nail beds were bleeding, and her smile only reached halfway up her face. The gas light was on, but not in her eyes. Those eyes remained still⎯ expressionless. She knew the consequences of adding another thing to her plate, and though she was almost empty, she said yes anyway. Evelyn did not want to say yes, but the thought of saying no was more nauseating than the consequences she was prepared to endure. To say no would be to fail someone she loved, and it was her ladylike responsibility to never let anyone down. That is, to never let anyone put herself down.
Lessons I’ve Learned While Confronting My Own Bad Habits
Over the last couple of years, I have undergone a journey to confront the negative behaviors I learned from the social pressures I endured as a child. One of the most prevalent and unrelenting consequences of growing up a young woman in the South has been the internalized pressure to always say yes to others. Yes, even at the expense of my own mental health. As I have journeyed to become a healthier version of myself, I have come in contact with countless other women who struggle with the same thing.
In fact, research has shown that women all over the world have internalized a self-deprecating need to always say yes. This habit has intertwined with nearly every aspect of women’s lives. As early as the age of 3 (1), differences in the compliance of girls can be noticed (this is the same age when it is believed that gender socialization begins to occur). As a girl gets older, this early learned compliance can be illustrated in a myriad of ways.
As a general rule, research illustrates that women are more likely than men to say yes, or offer help in nearly every social situation. For example, women are more likely to say yes to joining organizations, helping friends, organizing events, and hosting guests (2). Additionally, women are more likely to accept extra work with no extra compensation (3), which research indicates contributes to large inequities in the workplace. Further, it is speculated that one of the reasons a gender pay gap persists is because the social pressures for women to be compliant bleed over into salary negotiations. Such compliant behavior can also be seen in the dating life of many women. Data shows they are much less likely to reject a pursuant man they are not interested in than if the roles were reversed. Such behavior often moves beyond the scope of dating, making it difficult for many women to set boundaries they are comfortable with (4).
In my own life, I have seen this inability to say no when someone asks for a favor play out in multiple ways. In fact, just this week, I was forced to confront the fact that I was saying yes more than was in my capacity to do so. As a college woman, this compliant and self-deprecating behavior could result in overscheduled weeks and burnout. Moving forward, I aim to recognize these negative behaviors and eliminate them from my life. However, that’s easier said than done.
While there is no exact formula for learning how to say no -even when it’s uncomfortable- there are a few things I’ve learned that have helped me reduce my reliance on the word yes.
Sometimes to learn something new, we first have to unlearn the things that get in the way. For example, to learn to say no, I first had to unlearn my internalized belief that prioritizing the collective good was always better than protecting myself. Certainly, there are times when sacrifice is good and necessary. However, there are also times in which being selfish is okay. When it comes to your health, mentally and physically, it is okay to selfishly create boundaries. Often we hear that if we are not at our best, we can’t help others to the full degree we need to. While that is true, caring about yourself is about more than caring for others, it has intrinsic value. Thus, one of the best ways to learn to say no is to first unlearn any belief which says you are unworthy. You are valuable, and as someone who is immensely valuable, you are worth protecting.
Unlearning internalized value systems can be really challenging. However, I have found the process so fruitful. In the same vein, confronting my distrust in other people and pride in myself has been a difficult but rewarding experience. In my life, one of the many ways in which over-saying yes takes form is through carrying others’ responsibility. Whether they ask me to -or I assume the position of helper- like many women, I find myself stepping into others’ lives in places where they are likely sufficient without me. There are times when it is necessary to carry other people’s burdens, and doing so is a loving thing to do. However, there are also times when we add responsibility to our plates out of a very deep-rooted fear. Afraid that if we don’t, we will let that person down. And they will suffer immense consequences. The truth is, such fears are often rooted in a lack of distrust in the person to take care of themselves and a sense of pride in ourselves that we are the only ones who can do it all. Understanding this distinction can be a hard pill to swallow. But I have found it to be a necessary part of learning to say no. In reality, so many of the things I stress about are on behalf of others who are not stressing because they know they can figure it out. Even if that weren’t the case, I’ve come to understand that my personal responsibility does not cover everyone I come in contact with – or I am close to. At some point, we have to learn to let others make mistakes and be responsible for the consequences, and, in doing so, find the freedom to say no.
Learning to say no is a process that looks different for everyone. And I am, by no means, an expert. But I have come to recognize, by a lot of trial and error, that unlearning years of negative behaviors will take a lot of time but be immediately rewarding as well.
REFERENCES
- Hanish, Laura D, and Richard A Fabes. “Gender: Early Socialization: Peer Socialization of Gender in Young Boys and Girls.” Encyclopedia on Early Childhood Development, Aug. 2014, https://www.child-encyclopedia.com/gender-early-socialization/according-experts/peer-socialization-gender-young-boys-and-girls.
- Dastagir, Alia E. “The One Word Women Need to Be Saying More Often.” USA Today, Gannett Satellite Information Network, 25 Apr. 2021, https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/health-wellness/2021/04/20/why-its-so-hard-for-women-to-say-no/7302181002/.
- O’Brien, Katherine R. Just Saying “No;” an Examination of Gender Differences in the Ability to Decline Request in the Workplace, Rice University, Mar. 2014, https://scholarship.rice.edu/bitstream/handle/1911/77421/OBRIEN-DOCUMENT-2014.pdf?sequence=1&isAllowed=y.
- Lively, Kathryn J. “Why Women Have a Hard Time Saying No.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, Nov. 2013, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/smart-relationships/201311/why-women-have-hard-time-saying-no.