“Ni de aqui ni de alla,” meaning neither from here nor there, describes my experiences as a first-generation Latina who has to move between two worlds daily. I often find myself too American to be around my family, but too different to be in a place where the majority of people are white. Graduating from the school of my dreams brings me this incredible sense of pride, yet sometimes I still feel doubtful about whether I truly belong in this tight-knit community.
During most of my classes, I was among the few Latina students, and it made me feel like an outsider. However, when at home or when I communicate with my Hispanic colleagues, whom I attempt to assist and guide, I occasionally experience the same feeling of being excluded. In most cases, they presume my life has been smooth sailing. The reality is that it has been far from smooth. My first language is Spanish, and I struggled to learn English growing up, which made it more difficult to integrate into society. They will never know the significant amount of time I’ve put into myself or the number of times that I have gotten out of my comfort zone to succeed. To this day, I still translate all the thoughts that come out of my mind before I talk.
In my first year of college, I did not have anyone to help me with financial aid or the application process, so I just learned by trial and error. As a Latina first-generation student, I was always in oppressive mode; my survival instinct was my flight response. Combined with imposter syndrome, it strongly inclined me to wonder whether I would be deserving of the success. Even with the fear and doubt, I remind myself “que merezco cosas bonitas”, I deserve good things. My resilience and pride can be traced in every action that I perform. I cannot fully be in one world since I have learned to be strong in having two worlds.