I’m a perfectionist. I have a bad habit of planning for things to go my way, which leads to plenty of poor experiences when they don’t. Like everyone else, I want life to be in my favor – however, I’ve had a hard time accepting that this can’t always be true. I want good grades, an impressive GPA, a large friend group of studious people, an auspicious career, a spotless reputation, name recognition to match with a cute wardrobe, aesthetically pleasing food, a gorgeous house, an attractive lifestyle, a high school sweetheart type of romance, the dream family – I think you get the picture I’m trying to paint.
Holding on
Losing friendships early in my college days was the first reality check I was given to cash into my account at the bank of “You Can’t Get Everything You Hoped For.” This was the beginning of my journey towards learning to let go. Unfortunately, this is something that I’ll have to make effortful advances towards achieving throughout my life.
I thought I did everything I could to secure my friendships: quality time together, reaching out first, planning get-togethers in advance, going to campus events. In the end, my friendships didn’t last. Ending relationships that are on good terms is incredibly hard and, especially after moving away to college, it seems that friends are all you have. How do you explain to someone that you can’t continue a relationship with them because you’re too different now, or that you can’t overlook their quirks anymore, but they’re still a good person, or that I want you to eat just not at my table? I held onto hope that we could grow together again, but we didn’t, despite all my attempts. In learning to give up on friendships that weren’t creating any sort of positive impact, I learned to be comfortable with being alone. Not everyone is meant to be my friend and that’s okay: I have to be content with myself.
letting go
Another event that pushed me towards learning to let go was my two-year-long effort to get into law school. I thought I did everything I could to polish my academic résumé, but frankly, my scores were mediocre. The hope that I held onto was escaping me. I tried again and again. I wanted more than anything to have a law school admissions test score that I could be proud of, but I didn’t. I went to my older sister and begged her to help me. The only thing she said to me was, “What is meant for you will find you. You don’t have to question if its right for you.”
Oh, it seems so simple when you put it like that.
And so, I took my several embarrassing test scores and applied anyways. What was meant for me has found me in the shape of several acceptance letters to law schools I only dreamed of attending. Though my sister’s simple phrase has helped me know that its okay to let go, I still struggle with knowing when to do so. I’m still tightly holding on to too much, but the battle is easier to lose. I don’t have to win every fight. I don’t need the last word. I don’t have to be the best to ever exist. I don’t need the highest paying job. Of course, I have hope that I can one day be the best person with the most satisfying career and a house big enough for everyone to stay in. I’m working towards what I can reach: caring relationships, a comfortable job, a good name for myself, and losing as many wars as I can. Being able to confidently say that I gave it my all allows me to start letting go of things that create more negative emotions and results than positive ones.
What’s the worst that can happen if I let go of that friend or dream or fear of rejection? I have more time for myself, I can plan for a life where my family is involved, or maybe that amazing opportunity I was scared of applying to actually accepts me. If it wasn’t meant for me, then am I really missing out?