Dear Ana,
You came to me in high school and took me under your wing. You were sweet and understanding. You wrapped your arms around my confused teenage self and protected me. It was you and me against the world. I thought you were my friend and that you wanted what was best for me. Little did I know, over the years you would haunt me.
Like any teenage girl, I was conscience of my weight and how my body looked. It never helped that I would see girls on social media who to me, had the perfect body. I wanted to look like them, but let’s be real, they don’t even look like them. But then you showed up and told me the secret to being beautiful. You told me that in order for someone to love with me, I had to be skinny because skinny is beautiful. You whispered that I didn’t have to cry over my weight anymore. You knew a way to make me beautiful so that I could be loved. My fifteen-year-old brain wanted to be loved more than anything so I asked you to tell me your ways. You sat cross legged across from me and informed me to not eat.
“Just don’t eat, it’s not that hard. If you don’t eat, you will become beautiful and people will love you.”
You said it so simply, like it wasn’t a big deal. You were so sincere, and you’d always been there for me before. You told me it would be okay, nobody had to know. They would just see how beautiful I’d become. Nobody questions a beautiful person. So, I followed your advice, and it was the worst mistake of my life. I was always a happy child. I ran around, I ate whatever I wanted, I was happy. Until you came, and you told me that I could be happier if I was skinny. You told me sweet nothings and supported me as I went to bed with an empty stomach. You praised me when I ate less than 500 calories a day. You cheered when I stepped on the scale to find I’d lost weight. You were there for the horrible nights where I cried for hours. You were the one who held me tight and told me I was okay. I was a ghost of who I was. I cut off friends and family because you told me I only needed you. I lost a lot of weight, and I didn’t think there was any problem with it. I mean I could stop whenever I wanted… right?
Eventually, I told you that I was going to stop. You were so angry; I’d never seen you be mean. You screamed at me that I was dumb and that nobody would love me. How could I stop now, we were almost beautiful, people were going to want us real soon. Your meanness confused me. I thought we were friends. I thought you were there supporting all my decisions. Boy… was I wrong about you.
Eventually, I cut you off, but it took years. I was a nervous wreck every time I ate because I knew you were there judging me. I slowly started getting back into a normal eating pattern. I gained back some weight, but you are always lurking somewhere close. When my life gets out of control and stressful, you show up at my doorstep and wrap your arms around me. You coo that you’ll make it all better. You whisper that I already know what to do to take control. I hate that you know me so well, and that you prey on my weakness.
I wish you would get out of my life for good, but I know you’ll always be close. You’ll always have some power over me no matter how hard I fight to cut you out of my life. You were the worst friend I’ve ever made. So, dear Ana, please leave me alone. I do not need you.
Sincerely,
The girl you messed with