At 16, I could drive. At 16, I ate school lunch with my dad. At 16, I was an athlete. At 16 I didn’t get an invite. At 16, I made straight A’s. At 16, I lacked a good friend.
I thought friendships were based on status, similarities, and proximity. But behind pictures and group projects, there were days I was completely alone. Unsure of myself, questioning and dissecting my every move.
Did I say something wrong?
Was I wearing the wrong clothes?
What more can I do?
What I failed to realize was that I wasn’t just looking for friends. I was looking for a friend who wouldn’t ask me to shrink, who wouldn’t bring me down, who wanted to see me succeed.
Now, years later, I understand what I wish I knew then: sometimes, the friend you’ve wanted is the friend you learn to become. (And eating lunch with your dad is cool).
the friend i needed
Being a teen can suck. Growing and changing in all corners of life.
The friend I needed at 16 wasn’t perfect. She didn’t have perfect grades, clear skin, or an Instagram worthy life. She was kind, supportive, and most importantly, she was real.
The advice she would have given me:
- You don’t have to know right now.
- Rejection is simply a redirection.
- You’re not like everyone else and that is awesome.
- Your worth doesn’t lie in the physical things.
- Eating lunch with your dad is cool.
To be honest, I needed a friend to see me. Someone who saw my heart and what I wanted to give. I needed a friend that simply asked “How are you really?”
becoming that friend
Looking back now, lacking a good friend taught me a lot. I realize now that the challenge was never having a friend, but being a friend, specifically, that friend.
Here’s How:
- Speak How You Would To Her
If 16-year-old you showed up at your door today, heart in hands, unsure and overwhelmed, what would you say?
Not to “get over it” or “move on”. You’d offer kindness and patience.
I started practicing that, with myself and others. Instead of being my harshest critic, I’ve learned to speak to myself as I would to a struggling friend. In turn, I find my friendships to be more genuine and enjoyable.
- Listen
Sometimes, that’s all we need, at any age. No advice or opinions, simply a listening ear. Because oftentimes the weight of life is a lot and all that helps is getting it out. Like being sick, you always feel better after getting it out, as my mom would say. Being present and listening without judgment is oftentimes the best thing to do.
- Be Your Own Friend
You can’t know a friend if you aren’t a friend. And you certainly cannot succeed in friendships if you don’t find one in yourself.
Be kind to yourself. This is your first try at this life.
Forgive yourself.
Celebrate the small victories. Yes, all of them.
What I Know Now
And what I am still learning:
Being the friend I needed at 16 doesn’t have to do with wisdom, popularity, or confidence. It’s about showing up, for yourself and others, and doing it with the grace you once craved.
It’s about being a friend to no specific person. Just allowing it to be who you are.
So, while you can’t go and give 16-year-old you the friend she needs, you can be her now. And that changes everything.