December 8, 2017 // 12:29 A.M
today, i looked in the mirror
the steam covered me up completely
today i shrugged and got back to bed
and today here i lay,
thinking
pondering
how the **** could this happen to me?
October 22, 2018 // 2:24 P.M
the one i loved
left
today, i thought about parabolas and parasols
you crossed my mind
January 24, 2019 // 6:42 A.M
a few raindrops here and there
turning my h’s into t’s
sleep-deprived and adjusting my earbuds
the smell of rain is comforting
however, the thought of you gave me an umbrella
April 18, 2020 // 6:48 PM
today.
Today I planned on going into depth about how this stranger that I met online, and how badly he hurt me. But after spending some time in my abandoned home from childhood, I had time to think about everything, and when I mean everything, I mean everything that has happened in my life so far, and all the good I’ve put out into the world. Whether it was accepted or not.
I was going to defend myself, and mention every little thing that was a red flag.
But I’ll get to the real point of this article, Realize that you never really truly know a person’s intentions.
You can’t read anyone’s mind, you can’t fall for every sweet word and letter, because true love doesn’t work like that. I’ve realized that life happens outside, and even though we’re currently in quarantine, when this is all over, I am not taking anything for granted. The relationships you have now, treasure them. You never know when someone’s true colors are shown, and even the person you thought the world of, they can leave too—and in such a destructive way.
But that’s the beautiful thing about the human race. That we learn how to stand back up, after trying so many times and finally giving ourselves a break. Love isn’t the words that you make meaningless. Love is the actions and the loyalty, which is what any human being deserves in their life.
And while I would love to just call some people out, and write angrily, and be bitter, that doesn’t solve anything, now does it?
It’s just easier to have no means of contact. Blocking someone completely, phone number and all, it can feel so freeing, but then comes that emptiness, the loneliness you felt years ago, with the same person.
This will pass.
Take this article as a sign if you find yourself in a position like mine. (Also, DM me if you ever wanna talk about narcissism & liars or anything of the sort. I’m all too familiar with them both, and more: @yilianmairet)
Block him, and move on. You should be your own first priority, no one else. Talking to a professional especially helps with the progress, at least in my opinion.
Look, I spoke to this specific person for 6 years, almost 7. I thought I’d be able to help him, I wanted to help him any way I could, sacrificing my needs when I shouldn’t have. I can’t blame him entirely, I really could have removed him from my life easier, but when you’re young, you’re more naive, and you can fall for words with much more ease.
I never in my life thought I would be writing an article like this, at 19 years old, but if anyone is inspired by this and removes any negativity-bringing being from their own lives, it will have made my troubles worth it. Seriously, I wish I had someone give me the wake-up call I desperately needed. I have always mentioned that one of my dream goals is to host my own TED talk someday, and I’ve been devoting some time towards writing that, since my ULTIMATE ULTIMATE goal is to help so many people, all in different ways.
The “poetry” above were little snippets of random notes from my phone, with no prompt or anything, I just hate how it all revolves around the same problem in my life, and I’m finally done. I’ve destroyed all the past belongings, even ones I’ve had for years.
Another realization: the internet is an excellent distractor. You can’t tell me that you haven’t been on TikTok? At all? Like c’mon. And with quarantine causing all of us to spend more time alone with our thoughts, why not enjoy this time alone? Try out some random hobbies, something off the computer or phone for a bit, and focus on real life.
Take it as a, “You can do it too.” type of thing.
Jesus, I really hope I can save at least one person from the pain I’ve felt for these 6+ years. We’ll get through this, and life will become so much more beautiful.
Oh, also just an F.Y.I, 12-year-olds should definitely not be allowed on the internet.