Over the past two weeks, I have been rejected by the only internship I was interested in, had a design I worked on for days fail the first round of its contest, and lost in a film competition I had been previously recognized for three years in a row. Before a majority of these events occurred the universe seemed to be preparing me for it days in advance. I remember coming across Miss USA 2016, Deshauna Barber, speech about never giving up (view here: Deshauna Barber: One Question Changed Her Life Forever) and thinking,
“How empowering! What a great reminder that even during the times when it seems like everything you’re reaching for is being repelled by the very presence of your hand, you can still come out strong.”
It felt so simple to be in that motivated, tenacious mindset when everything I was aspiring to was ahead of me on the relatively straight path I created for myself…
I wrote the above roughly two months ago. Since then everyone has unwillingly gone into hiding for fear of an invisible virus that has single handedly destroyed the economies and lives of most nations, and killed any bright prospects 2020 had to offer at the beginning of the year. Impressive.
To be selfish for a moment, this resulted in every internship I applied for to be cancelled for the summer. Going into the workforce as a recent grad is borderline impossible at this point and motivation has evaporated into oblivion. This being said, I was okay. I was coping well with everything that was happening because it wasn’t my fault. Corona is big and out of my control and I made peace with that. This is when I received an email from the most important scholarship I ever applied for in early January. After getting the most concentrated amount of rejections I’ve ever received in a short period of time I knew this was finally going to be the one I was going to win. It was going to be a sign from God reminding me they hadn’t forgotten about me. A $25,000 scholarship for my dream grad school would be well worth all of the ‘no’s’ I’d heard so far.
I opened the email and read:
We regret to inform you that your application was not selected to receive a…………………….
The hope I’d held in my throat for the past five months sunk down to the pit of my stomach. I failed again. I didn’t think it was possible for me to take another blow after I’d been punched down to the ground so many times. I hadn’t received my Aha! Moment. I hadn’t come full circle. I hadn’t won.
I tend to wrap my worth very tightly around my accomplishments. Usually, my immediate reaction, when I feel that I’ve failed something or someone, is to spiral, compare, and question. This time, I just breathed, tried to stop myself from shaking, and went to my mother for advice. She reminded me that what I’m capable of is not tied to the results of this application. I focused on this idea as she continued to comfort me.
To fail gracefully is to acknowledge the situation for what it is. Deshauna Barber preaches the concept of “not fearing failure but being terrified of regret,” which I recognize as true. I remind myself of the fact that I learned something valuable from trying. Striving for the same thing as someone else, and losing to said person, doesn’t take away from your wants or talents.
Failing at something is devastating. It can be consuming and often feels like the end. But it’s not the end. Even when we accomplish it’s not the end. Tomorrow will come with new goals and new chances to fail or achieve, and regardless of which path we are forced down on, we are still always going to be ourselves and we are still going to have new (maybe better) opportunities.
Have a question? Need advice? Dm me on Instagram @papayapoe